When depression gets long enough, you realize you don't hate the people you used to hate and you don't love the people you used to love.
What's left to feel is grief and contempt. There's no other emotions to feel for. Everything feels black and white.
Everyone is trying so hard to keep me alive yet all I could ever think of is sleep. To fall into a deep deep sleep. Forever.
Someone once said, "Girl, you deserve better. You can do way better than this."
But many times we don't realise that in the realm of love, it should never be conditional. It should never be whether or not he deserves it. But it's because I need and I want. And because he's the only one that makes me feel burning alive.
Loving someone is not a choice just as many say it is. Loving him is more like breathing or having a heartbeat. It is proof and hope of my existence than an option.
I know I'm hurting now. But I believe that's love too - where my heart beats no matter how much pain I'm in.
Anyone can look happy in love. But how many are truly in love? Or are we merely being ideal? Are we looking for Mr Nice or Mr Right?
And we always ask ourselves, why is love so hard? Truth to say, it's never easy to find someone who is perfect fit for my imperfections. It's not easy to know someone whom I see a reflection of my best feature.
Tears trickle from the corner, trailing my hairline and along my jawline. My hands are cold and shaky. The chaos in my head boom so loud it broke the silence of a night. I can never get peaceful can I?
It is as though I died over and over again every night. And who said only cats have nine lives. Every night was a desperate cry for morning to come. A cry for someone to brave me through the night. But mornings, they make me realise that I was so alone cos no one ever come to my rescue.
They all leave one by one. Maybe it's time for me to leave too.