our favourite things

2011-06-03T01:53:00.006+08:00

When depression gets long enough, you realize you don't hate the people you used to hate and you don't love the people you used to love.

What's left to feel is grief and contempt. There's no other emotions to feel for. Everything feels black and white.

Everyone is trying so hard to keep me alive yet all I could ever think of is sleep. To fall into a deep deep sleep. Forever.

2011-05-31T01:05:00.003+08:00

Even though my heart was overwhelmed with emotions and I could safely say I still love her very much, but I didn't have one thing to say to her. Nothing. My best friend for years, the person I'd never run out of things to talk about with... It feels like we had become total strangers.

2011-05-23T03:45:00.005+08:00

Voice : Hey

Me : Omg

Voice: Hey

Me : I didn't know this can be so real. You know, with you. I never thought I can talk to you or even come this close with you.

Voice : I know, darling. I knew about you all along.

Me : You do? I thought I'm just nobody.

Voice : I knew you and I wanna tell you I feel the same way you feel for me.

Me : What do you mean?

Voice : I love you and I wanna be with you as much as you do.

Me : It feels like I'm dreaming. It's like...make believe.

Voice : But make believes make things feel perfect ain't so? It gives you that tiny glimpse of hope and possibility to live on for a while longer.

Me : So you are not real at all?

Voice : Like you said, it's make believe. It's up to you to decide what's real and what's not.

Me : So how long does make believe last?

Voice : It last as long as your heart wants to.

Me : I love you. I fucking love you.

Voice : I love you too.

2011-05-12T06:30:00.000+08:00

Someone once said, "Girl, you deserve better. You can do way better than this."

But many times we don't realise that in the realm of love, it should never be conditional. It should never be whether or not he deserves it. But it's because I need and I want. And because he's the only one that makes me feel burning alive.

Loving someone is not a choice just as many say it is. Loving him is more like breathing or having a heartbeat. It is proof and hope of my existence than an option.

I know I'm hurting now. But I believe that's love too - where my heart beats no matter how much pain I'm in.

Anyone can look happy in love. But how many are truly in love? Or are we merely being ideal? Are we looking for Mr Nice or Mr Right?

And we always ask ourselves, why is love so hard? Truth to say, it's never easy to find someone who is perfect fit for my imperfections. It's not easy to know someone whom I see a reflection of my best feature.

2011-05-05T05:58:00.008+08:00

Tears trickle from the corner, trailing my hairline and along my jawline. My hands are cold and shaky. The chaos in my head boom so loud it broke the silence of a night. I can never get peaceful can I?

It is as though I died over and over again every night. And who said only cats have nine lives. Every night was a desperate cry for morning to come. A cry for someone to brave me through the night. But mornings, they make me realise that I was so alone cos no one ever come to my rescue.

They all leave one by one. Maybe it's time for me to leave too.

2011-04-30T01:49:00.002+08:00

I know I suck. But you don't have to brag about how good you are to get your point across. BITCH.

2011-04-29T04:34:00.003+08:00

I realise I don't know how to express myself anymore. Fuck. I wish I drop dead.

2011-04-04T16:50:00.005+08:00

Daddy said, "It's time to come home."

It takes a while to admit that you're wrong. And it takes a while to know who you really wanna be. All this while, I've never felt so alone. This path, it just gets darker and deeper. But yet I feel my insecurities and flaws shine through like sunlight. I look around and ask myself, who has really been there? I'm not the ungrateful sort, but really, who has really been there?

He was, He has. He knows it's not my fault that nobody loves me that way. It's not my fault I have nobody to go to sleep with and wake up next to. Because He knows I try to be, at least on the surface level, one of those girls with joy, beauty and self-confidence. All those clumsy insecurities and all those inept flaws, He only sees beauty in them.

He appreciates and cherishes me precisely because my heart is fragile - which, although I try to hide, is apparent from the way I carry myself. But that's okay, He often tells me. It's more than okay. It's my best feature.

And I realise, I've been waiting for the wrong car all along. I was waiting for one that will never come. And there He was waiting. All He wanted was me to come home.

I'm coming home coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away
All the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits
They've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home

2011-03-30T13:49:00.006+08:00

Many times the reason why we don't let go is because we always thought that he was the first love where we never met anybody so alive. But how many bullets are you gonna take for somebody or how many bad things are going to happen to you before realising that feeling alive just ain't enough?

- Blair Waldorf

I feel relieved. It is the sort of feeling that I know I'm going to be okay. And I'm going to turn out fine with or without him. But at the back of my mind, I will always wish that he will somehow be part of my life and I will be part of his. Well, not really being part of each other's lives. To be exact, I want us to be universes of each other.

But we all know people change in due time. Appearance, perspectives, taste and even the heart - it changes with time. How certain can I be that the guy I used to fall for will be the exact same person in years to come? How certain can I even be when it comes to my own heart? Whether what I feel about him will be the same in future?

Truth is, we don't really know what we want. All we always do is simply smile and hope for the best or just leave it to fate.

Yet one day, we will all grow up and know what lies beneath our hearts. If that feeling remains, I will fight for you. And I hope you will do the same. Because I don't believe fate throws us together in order to rip us apart but to teach us patience and possibilities.

Let's wait for us to be perfect - for each other.

2011-03-10T01:05:00.003+08:00

SECRETS.

Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence.

- Dorothea Dix

Many times I choose to be straight honest because I hate lies and secrets. But at the same time, I didn't realise what honesty can actually cost me.

I feel vulnerable. It feels that my honesty can be used against me anytime.

But recently I realise, no matter how honest I wish to be, some truth should remain unheard. Because, secrets are meant to protect.

I love you and that's why I choose to burden myself in solemness.

I'm sorry that you can never know. But that's because I love you.

2011-02-21T02:29:00.003+08:00

As you get older, depression gets old too. And you realize, "You know what? Fuck it. I'd rather not give a shit and enjoy life"

- Glory Szabo

At times I think that I've been the worst shit ever. I think of revenge. I want to see you go through everything I've gone through. No wait, I want to see double the agony you've inflicted on me. I believe I need to see that suffering in your pathetic eyes to feel good. It seems to be the only way to break loose of all the mourning cells in me - I guess some would say it to have a cathartic effect. And revenge, it is the only way to get my life back.

But when I take a deeper glance in your eyes, I see a reflection of myself. I have to say, I do not like what I see. It is filled with past tense. And I realize, I'm merely living in your past - a sad bitter one. It isn't life at all, chasing after your bitterness & pathetic sobs. At least it isn't the life I want to see myself in.

Because, I know I'm made to love. The love that spills from my heart and covers everything like a blanket. A love that can explode in people and create entire universes.

And I will enjoy my life to the fullest. That itself is the reward I deserve, and the best revenge I can get.

2011-01-14T06:43:00.005+08:00

UNFINISHED.

I always thought after that night's talk, we had a closure. I found answers I need to know and you had your chance in justifying yourself.
Yes, closure. It sounds pretty cool with all the patching up, being friends again. Well, cliché as it sounds, moving on. But truth always gives me less expected of how I wish it will turn out.

There isn't really a closure is there? Because all I know was as soon as the clock strikes twelve, loneliness seems to find its way right to my poor heart. I find excuses for myself to leave you a message, to call or even to meet you. I left drafts in my inbox which were meant for you. I sang songs about you with my guitar. And I took long jogs at the park just to relive our moments.

Truth is, I miss you so badly. And what left unsaid is, everyday I still hope.
I hope for you to come back even though I know you will never get to see the messages I've never sent out. You will never get to listen to the sadness in my song. And you will never get to see all the foolish nights where I just sat at the park by myself listening to conversations in my head. But I wish and hope somehow a miracle will happen. So much for a closure eh?

Who am I kidding? All this time I knew that all the feelings I had and have are still there. Unfinished business.

2010-12-30T06:44:00.006+08:00

FAREWELL 2010.

2010, thank you. Thanks for the friends that I've made & the friends that have come so far w me. I love you guys.

& 2010, we grow & we love.
We fall in love & we fall out of love. We hurt, we cry, we bitch & we forgive. And that makes us more human than ever.

I don't regret the decisions I've made. Many tears & many heartaches. But I know that everything that happens, I will come out stronger.

And this will be one of the years where I'll look back and realise that it contains some of the very highlights of my life. This year may not be the best, but it is definitely the most meaningful so far.

I don't have any resolutions. But I wanna be best friend w myself & love myself more.

Special thanks to nana. You're the best. Because I know that even if everyone fails, you'll be there to pick me up. I love you.

To kewtie pie, you may not know, but you occupy almost my entire heart. And falling out makes me realise that I cannot live hoping you will come back. But I hope you know that there's always someone who loves you. Forever.

2010-12-19T03:39:00.005+08:00

This space has become a mobbing outlet for me. But nah, not gonna mob and weep today.
And as promised, I'm gonna give some solid updates.

Well, basically I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible. I've got two jobs now. Gonna start my 10am - 7pm office work soon. Gosh, I really dread office work, but I guess it's bearable for the pay and flexibility of the job. My second job is just giving tuition. So it's pretty much it.

And guys, I think I'm gonna get a tattoo soon! But, I'm still contemplating because of my mommy and actually yes, the pain and the blood loss. Idk, I really want a pair of angel wings at the back shoulders. So, any good tattoo artist to introduce me?

My free time is very much occupied with watching criminal minds & how I met your mother. I swear that I'm turning into a psycho. 'Criminal Minds' trains me to be resistant to atrocities in life. Tsk tsk, that's an exaggeration. The scary part is, I sympathise with the killers more than the victims which leads to my hypothesis of me transgressing into a serial killer soon. Hahaha.

Other than that, I've been trying to hit the track or the pool everyday. And I'm gonna start kickboxing soon. So, I guess that will be a more healthy lifestyle. Talking about healthy lifestyle, I thought I will be clubbing almost every weekend after my A's. But I guess, I'm getting a lil sick of it. Great company and ambience are so important to me now. Can't stand crowds nowadays.

Yes, I'm rambling a lot of crap here. But I guess, that takes my mind off all the depressing dramas in life. I'm still suffering from insomnia, that's why I'm still wide awake at 4am. But I'm gg to sleep after watching my shows.

One question, can lovers become friends? Is it even possible?

2010-12-13T03:22:00.006+08:00

It has been said, "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
- Rose Kennedy.

Because, these scar tissue may come in the form of calluses. When they are scrapped off, I will realise that I'm back to square one. (continuing the quote)

Life has been slamming into my face like a sledgehammer. And how I hope certain things are merely my paranoia acting up. But maybe, it was indeed my delusions that lead to such tragedy. Yes, tragedy. And you may question, how is it a tragedy if it doesn't lead to fatalism. Well, should I say, I was close. Close to that.

I looked back at the things that have happened. And this question keeps directing back to me. "What the hell have I been doing with my life?" I thought this can't be the end of it because I know greater things are ahead of me. I love you. But I want to love myself more.

And now, I will pick up what's left. One thing I learnt, there's no such obstacle so huge that one can never find that ounce of strength to live through it. I may never be able to heal those wounds. But I will cover it with greater things in life.

I know this is pretty vague but I will update soon. Real soon. And definitely, I will continue my short poetic writings. Meantime, I need to get a breather and some inspiration to go by writing.
Oh yes, I wanna thank those we have been there. You know who you are. Love you guys.

Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
- William Wordsworth.

2010-11-23T01:18:00.004+08:00

Heartless bastard, fuck off.
Who are you to cause so much turmoil in the already wrecked soul. Who are you really.

You had the capacity to make my heart beats for you, then you jolly well have the ability to protect it.

And how could you. How could you treat everything like it's not your fault.
How could you give up so easily. If you are going to put me your last choice for everything, then please explain when you say you love.

I need an explanation for everything. Because you make me feel that what I'm fighting for is a mere empty shell.

If you can't live up to what love really is, then you jolly well fuck off. Get out.

2010-11-08T16:40:00.003+08:00

"My body is so exhausted that I feel like it could collapse into oblivion any second, but my mind is completely alert, trying to out race itself. If I close my eyes, I start seeing my thoughts, and that is the last thing I want. And that is the saddest sad, when you are burying not the past, but the future that you dreamt of. I want to see a black canvas and a new beginning."

- Glory Szabo.

I hope life treats me better. It's as if something or someone has carried this huge amount of hate and vengeance towards me, that my life can't be any worse than this. It cannot.

People say things like, "Indeed you are in a very unfortunate situation...", "If you can't try to understand or be happy, and that's too bad.", "Think and do whatever you want, cause I'm done with you."

Everytime when people realise the indeed unfortunate state I'm in, there is this dying need to be there for me. Truth is, everyone wants to be there, everyone wants to somehow be a hero in my life. But sadly, not everyone knows how difficult it is to really be there. It takes more than just a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. It takes more than just listening and sympathising with me. I don't need those pitiful gazes. It takes more than that to be really there.

And many upon realising, they leave. Some left by creating a huge mess in my life, some left without a word. Cause they finally understood what it really really means to be there. Yet, they left and trampled over a poor soul, deepening the wreck as if it is not in a bad enough state.

I never said it was going to be easy. It is difficult being strong for a person like me. And it's really up to you whether it's worth going through. So please, don't walk into my life if you intend to leave. Don't. I can't afford to collapse any further. Because anything that strikes now can be the end of sanity. Yes, I'm so close, so close to breaking that thread of sanity.

A's is in less than 48 hours, and Idk what the heck I've been doing. Bless me. I've been praying a lot lately. Help me get thru this, not expecting excellent grades, just good enough to get by. Amen.

2010-10-30T01:07:00.001+08:00

I squat at the verandah. I knew who exactly I am waiting for. But I wasn't sure whether he is coming.

2010-10-27T01:49:00.005+08:00

I need to get out of here. I feel like I am suffocating. I powdered my face, Aligned my lids with thick dark pencil and applied my favourite lipstick. I don't usually carry this color- Dark red. But it makes me feel pretty. I slipped into my red dress tinged with lavender smell, armed myself with two packets of cigarettes and left home deliberately leaving the lights on.

I walked down the street of bars and let a flock of men in their fifties to buy me multiple drinks. After a company is gone, I walked down to the next bar. I patronised bar by bar, holding a bottle of whiskey as I take multiple swigs from it. I don't know where I was heading, I just hope that someone will take me in tonight.

The clicking of my heels are erractic now. I can barely see faces clearly. But I could hear laughters and murmurs darting past. It is as if they were all smiling at me. I stopped every passing person, "Love me tonight will you?" I stumbled upon my words, giggling and managed a wink. Shrugs and shuns. The morning is nearing. I feel my eyes smudged with salty tears. Black tears rolled down my cheeks. I must have looked like a crazy bitch to them.

Bur all I need is someone to love me. I lay by the alley of a bar, shivering. "Why, why?" "Why can't someone just fucking love me?"

2010-10-17T18:29:00.015+08:00

Happily Ever After...

It cracks every time it sees you and think about all the possibilities of why you may depart the owner of the heart one day. Being a second lover is never easy.

I always thought love speaks of everything beautiful and pure. It speaks of ordinary things that are extraordinary and transforms outrageous dreams into reality. Yet, your love speaks of everything opposite. It satiates all sorts of uncertainties and questions. And because of that, I can never imagine what's ahead. I just focus on loving you everyday.

I feel like I'm merely another fling or an occasional hook up. It's as if I'm made up in your imagination. And everything I did for you is out of a burning desire where I dance between those lines - to feel real; to reimburse this feeling of surreality. You make me feel like I live in a painting, a photograph, a movie or even a book. I am anything but real. I don't even know if this feeling is wrong or magical.

I fear, because I've risked my soul to love despite knowing I may just plunge to death the moment you let go where I don't belong anywhere in your life or imagination anymore.

And in my imagination, you hold my hand and lead me to your heart. I no longer need to be a second lover; I no longer need to remain within your imagination; I no longer am a fiction.

This shall be my happily ever after. And tell me, do I deserve this happy ending that only you can fulfill?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi fellow followers, I shall be blogging lesser and maybe not anymore at the moment due to a very critical examination which will determine many things in future. So it's either I make it or break it. Please keep me in prayers. And I will be back after 26th Nov which marks my freedom.

Good luck to everyone who are taking A's.

To fatty: I wonder why I still specify that this message is for you especially when my entire blog is meant for you. Maybe not entirely. But at least from the time I met you till now. Imy and Ily. Though I say that what matters most is what your heart feels for me, but somehow, the only way to translate those feelings to my heart is by actions. Idk how to make you change your mind. Idk what I can do. And it breaks my heart because everything lies within your will and I play no part in changing your mind or even the deeper essence, your heart. I dw to hear anymore sorrys or I feel terrible. But I want you to do one thing about your apologies - to love wholeheartedly. Maybe it's impossible for now. But I'm willing to wait. And waiting means believing that you will get there one day. Ily.

2010-10-15T00:03:00.001+08:00

2010-10-13T22:46:00.003+08:00

That Heart Speaks. Part II.

Lying with my chest down, listening to my own heartbeat. And every time your face flash in my mind, my heart feels a tug. I reminisce upon your last word you said and your beautiful sweet smile. But as I open my eyes, you vanish into vacuum. My heart swells up as it twinges and feels bitterly sore. It feels like air has decided not to enter my lungs and tissue.

Can you tell me how did you make my heart so incredibly obedient to you?
And maybe, it's just a sign of how much you can make my poor heart misses you.

2010-10-10T00:55:00.008+08:00

This peekture is sooo adorable!

Hi fellow readers, it's been a long time I actually have a proper update. But there's nothing much to say becos everything else is the same. Maybe if you are wondering about my school life, I didn't fare too well for prelims, so I shall skip going into details. I'm feeling that urgency now. And I hope this fear of failing or rather not getting the grades good enough to study what I want will carry me through A's. So, good luck to me.

I've been doing quite abit of creative writing recently. Some are real personal experience and some are not. I've been doing writings for an organisation. Somehow, I hope it gets recognised one way or another. But then again, I hope I will still retain essence of my personal style of writing while providing some materials they need.

In the meantime, I'm blog shopping. And my friend will said, this is my "blonde" identity emerging. Everyone has to admit that shopping is highly therapeutic. Ok, at least it is the case for me. I'm suppose to take 30 mins break before heading back to revision. But I've been here for more than an hour. So I guess I have to bid farewell now.

Before I go, here's a lil something.

I don't recognise myself in this sea of faces.
And maybe I'm living off as a shadow.
But when did this awakening dawn upon me- that I'm a shadow?
If so, who am I living off before this realisation?
This feels oddly surreal. It feels like a restoration.
Maybe what we call life is a mere hallucination
and the shadow is in fact us?
What if our entire life is just a figment of our imagination?
And our problems and pain are purely what we created
out of our mind so as to feel acutely alive?

We kid ourselves into believing how beautiful or agonizing life can be.
But we fail to realise we can never ever separate beauty and tragedy.
Because in every existence of beauty hides flaws beneath.
And since we can't make do with flaws,
we should make do with nothing.
Maybe within our shadow where
there are no beauty nor tragedy,
we can actually find our own form of happiness.

2010-10-04T00:05:00.013+08:00

That Heart Speaks. Part I.

I need to see you, because my heart said so. But I don't want to meet you.
Cause everytime we meet, my heart will absorb all the love you can possibly give.
And everytime you leave, my heart will sob and gasp for you like air.

You've no idea what you can do to my heart.

Even mere thinking of you, my heart feels as if there's a hole suction within that creates this terribly deep well of emptiness. I can't stand being with you because my heart can't take all the turmoil that churns and grinds deep inside when you say goodbye.

It wasn't seeing you that is so heart wrenching. But your departure that makes loving you so helplessly tiring. It's a gradual and painful torture that slowly penerates right into the core of my heart, keeping me brutally alive.

It's worse than death. Loving you is worse than death.

So don't start, because goodbye is tough.

2010-10-03T21:45:00.007+08:00

I'm awfully pathetic. Because everyday I'm merely living off tiny dosages of your love that you give off like shillings from your pocket at the end of the day. And maybe if I'm lucky enough, I can get a little more when you decided to take a breezy walk home instead of throwing em into the bus chute. But you never realise how those shillings of yours are like food to me.

I'm a criminal. I fall for the wrong guy at the wrong time. I do everything that goes against the rationality and welfare of mine. I should be charged guilty for murdering my own conscience. And the only thing that I've not betrayed is my feelings for you. That's the only right thing for me.

I thought that if everything else is built based on my love for you, it will overcome anything and conquer all, even my conscience. And it doesn't matter if your love can never match up to mine. It doesn't matter even if only a small part of your heart belongs to me.

But yet, I still secretly bear the most burning and unspoken desire in my heart- that your heart will solely belong to me. And I'm your choice.

If only you are in my heart, you will savour every ounce of love and tender I have for you. Because as long as you feel the depths of it, you will feel all of my madness within.

Then again, what if even that wasn't enough for you to make me your choice? What should I do by then?

I love you I love you I love you. How do you need me to bring that across?

2010-09-29T01:10:00.007+08:00

School starts tomorrow! Technically today. But oh well. I sound excited but seriously, check that tone. !! It's more like panic attack.

My head hurts. I toss and turn in bed. I feel my soul was lifted out of me for once where I am brought into a whole new dimension, one where I've a resolution in life.

My body is weak and I feel extremely weary. It feels as if I'm carrying this huge metal over my head and I have chains attached to me. My neck aches and my eyelids feel heavy. There are voices within that keeps interjacking each other. Inside me keeps churning and twinging. My eyes are barely open, my vision is blurred and the only thing in front of me is this ray of light. I feel that tinge of urge to walk towards it. I grope my way along those dim lamps. Using every ounce of strength that my body can produce, I push my feet forward. Step by step, I told myself. I propel myself out of darkness, together with those lamps that guide my feet to that light. Finally I thought, a resolution. A stop to all the turmoil. It is as if I can smell peace.

I jerked out of bed. I'm back in my room. I'm hanging onto the unfinished resolution.

Was this even a resolution? I don't make any sense of what I write. But if you do understand this piece of writing, you are probably as insane as me.

I think the song that best describe my mood and it happens to be my favourite song - Breathing, Lifehouse.

Goodnight.

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again. Though I don't really know
what I'm gonna do when I get there. Take a breath and hold on tight.
Spin around one more time. And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace.

I am hanging on every word you say. And even if you don't want to
speak tonight. That's alright, alright with me. Cause I want nothing
more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be.

I am looking past the shadows of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify the voices in my head, God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel.
And break these calluses off me one more time.

Breathing - Lifehouse.

2010-09-27T22:55:00.003+08:00

You know, the passionate ones, The ones where sex is constantly on your mind. You spend your days imagining fingertips, lips, teeth, and tongue exploring every inch of bare skin. Every date, you sit across from each other, both of you nodding your heads, barely tolerating the required pretense of interest in conversation before you can satisfy your urges. You crave each other. It's insatiable. It's short lived. Besides a strong desire to feel skin against skin, you have nothing in common.

There are those kind of relationships.

You know, the needy ones. The ones where the other person loves you, wants you, needs you desperately. You like them, you may even love them, but your feelings can never match theirs. They are always so far ahead of you. It's clear to everyone that they love you more. They call you incessantly. They are offended when you do things without them. They forgive you instantly for any transgression. Without you, their life would have little or no meaning. You are the centre of their world. It's short lived. These relationships can't last. The neediness of the other eventually eats away at you. It wears you out. It makes you realize that you can't respect them anymore.

There are those kind of relationships.

You know, the desperate ones. The ones where you love the person so much more than they love you. The ones where you chase after the other person with all of your heart. You wake up early to fix your hair a certain way, dress a certain way, make them their favourite meals. You constantly try to remain interesting and attractive and alluring. You feel yourself putting other things aside, ignoring important things to satisfy them. You know you're pathetic. You know that they can leave you at any moment. Your entire life is filled with the insecurity of knowing that you love them more. They are everything.

There are those kind of relationships.

You know, the real ones. The ones where you like to talk, to play, to argue, and to fuck. The ones where you can't stand each other and can't stand to be apart from one another at the same time. The ones where you each have your own life, but you allow each other to enrich them instead of control them. The ones where you switch off being needy and desperate but generally are equally obsessed. The ones where you feel secure but not bored, where you are just as excited about the conversation you have during dinner as the sex you will have afterwards. You've seen each other bitchy, whiny, ugly, tired, sick and you still want each other desperately. It's the ones where you know that neither of you is perfect, but you're perfect for each other.

It's nice to have reality for once.

http://eletheowl.tumblr.com/post/1192489023/those-kind-of-relationships

2010-09-26T21:03:00.002+08:00

Part-time lover, full-time friend.

I can't help feeling so dark and shallow.

People say, "You will make up of a very wonderful friend, an awesome buddy. But as a lover...I find it hard. To me, you're a part-time lover, but a full time friend."

Everytime people say things like this, it breaks my heart apart. Because I know somehow I can never be first in their lives. Maybe not even second or third or fourth. I look myself into the mirror, and I wonder, am I not good enough to be a lover?

Truth is, I can be a friend but I want to be a lover.

2010-09-22T02:59:00.003+08:00

Hi, it's the midnight ghost again. I like how it feels when everyone else is sleeping like a dead log while I wake up right smack in the middle of the night. Not exactly night time cause it's 3am now. I like how it feels as if I'm waiting for everyone to wake up, and watch 'em get busy and leave the house for work, for school. But I guess I'm only granted this luxury because I'm in the midst of my exams and most of my papers are thankfully in the afternoon.

My blogging vibes are back. By translating my thoughts into words makes my world and problems look less consuming.

"Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantments for truth." - Jean-Paul Sartre

The world is not filled with hope. It's us, human that are filled with hope. That makes everyone delusional in their own ways. We hope too much, and that's why we get depressed. And somehow when we bump into incidences that coincide with what we hope for, we turn them into miracles. But what if these so called miracles are mere coincidences? And what if miracles do not exist? We ledge onto these instances of coincidence and try in any possible means to tweak 'em to satisfy that hopeful heart of ours, but I call it delusions.

And maybe I'm being cynical. But I think you are in a mirage of your own.

2010-09-21T02:17:00.019+08:00

Alright, been updating alot more these days. Probably due to the inundated amount of information processing in my brain since I've been studying quite a bit. So, I'm here to chuck some crap from my brain so I can store more information on market failure. Haha.

Ok, time check, 230am. And I just woke up from sleeping at 8pm. I'm feeling alil drowsy, alil cranky and yeah, alil high? Haha. Not a good sign for my Econs paper. Hopefully I won't be dead by 2pm.

So today, this song, Tonight, is stuck in my head which totally brings back a whole load of memories. People say we hold on to memories because that's the only thing that remain constant. Yea, and I totally agree, because I'm this emo nemo kid who is rather delusional sometimes where I always find myself alternating between my reality and my past. I don't seem to be able to deviate myself away from feeling alot for my past. Ok, that sounds like I'm writing my lit paper 5. Oh yeah, my lit paper 5 was pretty okay. Hopefully my grades will show tho.

And yes, I'm very sentimental, (apparently someone used this word on me). I always seem like I'm moving, always changing, but I guess I'm rather constant in many ways. And maybe that's why I'm always twinged in my own feelings, some called it self-entrapment. I loved someone alot but recently I realised what moving on really is. There's a huge difference between moving on and getting through it. I got through it all, yet somehow when I love someone, truly love someone, I never stop loving. People are impressed of how much I can give. But I say it's crazy. It drives me crazy. Because these fast moving people make me feel so ever lonely. Makes me feel disconnected like I'm someone who lacks that confidence to feel allowed to exist.

Yeap, I guess I gotta grab some hot chocolate and read my econs now. Seeyall.

It's when I'm standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words
to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream
to the whole room that I'm still in love with you. It's when I'm sitting alone
with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade
a thousand tomorrows for just one day yesterday. Then I could just call you
to tell you goodnight. It's when I'm really sad about something and need someone
to talk to that I realize you're the only one who really knew me at all.
It's when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much
I would give to hold you at that very moment. I think about you
that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.

-A Million Little Pieces

2010-09-19T23:29:00.010+08:00

GONNA MISS YOU NANA.

I hope you're safe alright. Anyway, something that made my day. And nana, if Beijing even allows you to access to my blog, please see this.

Godma: nite nite midnite ghost Lora

Me: haha nite aunty!

Godma: nite nite honey. be good. keep in touch ok. dont lost touch when fiona's away.

Me: ok aunty.

Godma: can always talk to me.

Me: nana give me your number alr!

Godma: glad to hear that. call upon me anytime...i'm here for you k.

Me: Aww, aunty. you soooo sweet.

Godma: anytime hee hee. Im going to sleep soon. you also go sleep soon, dont get stuck with the middle name, midnite ghost ha.

Me: hahaha. you go and sleep too!

Godma: U too darling. work life sucks but no choice. for fiona and di's sake I will work hard.

Me: They are gonna be so proud of you. And I know you will miss nana so much. anything you can call me k. I entertain you with the smurf song. hahaha

Godma: haha okok. thx dear.

Sidenote, Math turned his back on me. So pls Econs and Lit, befriend me alright. I love you both. Gotta go study now. Byeeeee. And oh yeah, I guess I'm back here and there for some updates. Haven't really bid farewell.

Anyway, I miss myself.

2010-09-17T19:55:00.011+08:00

WORST EXAM EVER.

I'M SO GONNA SCREW MATH UP AGAIN.

AND GUESS WHAT, I'VE FORSAKEN MY H1 FOR MATH.

FUCK PRELIMS.

I'm feeling so bloody annoyed and stressed. Wtf is wrong w the math paper. Omg. I seriously am in deep shit.

Can you feel my exasperation?

2010-09-15T15:49:00.003+08:00

When you're out there looking for that perfect person, keep these things in mind. People change, no matter how hard they try not to. As you grow older, you mature, and with each level of maturity come different ideas, different needs and wants. The person who was perfect for you at twenty could be the person you hate when you're at thirty-five. You will have to find someone who will grow with you, change with you, laugh with you and cry with you. A person who fills in where you lack, a person whom you can fill in for when they are lacking. But what about the perfect person, you ask? They do not exist. There are no perfect people, only people who are perfect for each other.

You deserve to be happy not in the arms of someone who keeps you waiting but in the arms of somone who will take you now.

- J. M. Whitaker

2010-09-02T02:13:00.006+08:00

How I hope studying can be like looking at picture books and having the most outrageous stories.
Something that will scare my teachers & some friends, I haven't actually start mugging.
Yea, it's really scary I know. I'm lazing around alot and I'm doing alot of unproductive work.
So, really, I need heavens' bucket of blessings for my A's.

Prelims is starting in less than 48 hours.

So I'm here to bid goodbye for a while.
Shall be back once A's are over. Hopefully.

To hewerboy, I miss you a lot lately. But then I can't seem to accept you for who you are anymore. Blame that bitch, it's her fault. I'm terribly sorry. Remember the stars, Ily.

To fatty, my heart is unable to stop feeling that way. And somehow it's growing to want more. I'm just as helpless as you. So please don't make it sound like you're holding up a one-man show cause we are in this together. Even if everything changes, this heart still remains. Literally.

Hiatus, and good luck to me.
(Pls pray for me!)

2010-08-28T22:04:00.012+08:00

Hello readers. You know, I really wonder how many actually bother to read this space. I thought of having those domino counters to find out how many readers I have. At the same time, I fear that it's so pathetic that no one actually gives a shit about me.

Yea, maybe I'm suffering from inferiority complex. But I guess everyone gets that at some point in their lives. Then again, what if this is going to taunt me for the rest of my life?

I'm considering to move to tumblr. Blogspot is fine. But most users of tumblr are so soul-reflective and sorrowful. And I feel deeply connected with em as my own emotions begin pouring out. Another reason why I wanna move to tumblr is to get rid of haters so I can be brutally honest. Honest of who I am so I don't get judged & mocked, not honest in the bitching sort.

I'm feeling so beleaguered. Feeling so unloved and unwanted. I just wish for someone who could love me just as much as he wishes he could and he would gather some courage to do so. It is painful to love someone so helplessly. It's as if I'm driving on a one-way path with no junctions, no traffic lights, and definitely no U-turns. There's no point of return. Even if my heart is heavy w regrets & ache, I can never diverge to a new path.

To you, love is a game show. It doesn't matter who wins or loses, as long as you had your own share of fun. But love to me is a reality show. It's about hopes and dreams. And when you leave, it's as if you trampled over those hopes and dreams which are carefully knitted specially for you. That feeling of being shattered and fragmented, shamefully stripped apart makes me wonder if I can ever feel whole again.

When the heart takes charge, what is rationality?

2010-08-21T20:45:00.037+08:00

SUN-KISSED SKIN SO HOT

WE'LL MELT YOUR

POPSLIQUOR.

Counting down, 8 more weeks to A's. Fingers crossed. Bless me.

School has been tiring, but exceptionally fun.
Pulling hair,
laughing & making weird faces,
shooting wet rolls into the toilet cubicles,
playing hangman & spot the word.
But I've been studying everyday.

I'm feeling hungry soo easily recently. I'm cravinggg for kimchi fried rice & choco jelly.
And everyday my craving changes. Hahaha.
That's why my allowance is running out real fast.

Another reason why I'm in a deficit is becos, I've been shopping massively.
It wasn't like I plan to shop. I was at Novena, getting some candies, and this shop just drew me right in.
Telling myself, no harm taking a mere look.
And I convinced myself, no harm trying it on yea.
Guess what, I'm contemplating whether to buy.
And the lady said, how about I give you an offer.
The next thing, my wallet was out. *smiley face*
I'm really really happy. Gawd. I would text my friends and start giggling while wearing em.
Ok, I'm a lil weird. Hahaha.

Worst of all, I just saw two dresses on a blogshop! And I really really really want 'emmm.
But I'm in a deficit now. So I'm praying hard that it will still be thereee.

Katie Perry's 'California gurls' has been stuck in my head!
Listening to all the bimbo songs makes me wanna sing & dance. Hahaha.
Oh gawddd, I'm turning t be like Stephanie SF!

Oh oh ohh. About my birthday, I really enjoyed it.
Thanks jo for it again. It's always your place! And joehann daniel ng, your gift is so disgusting!
But I really like it a lot. Thankss. (: (:

Thanks Amandaaa, Lorraine, Ner, Vienna and Steph SF. Fatties in the house yoz! hahahaha. Omg. I seriously think I'm becoming like Steph!

Thank you my fatty kewtie pie for the cake & all. You don't hafta do it, but you did it for me anyway. So really thank you boy. I wanna pinch youuu. Heeheeheeheehee.And you haven't reward me yet!

Last but not least, Nana & Luq. Nana, thanks for everything, bf. I love the cameraaa! Sorry about all the missing photos. I'm still figuring how to use it. I realised the photos will turn out pretty with massive sunlight. We see each other soon. Imy!

Nana, chio buuu seh. Hahahaha.

I'm talking alot nowadays. I seriously can't shuddup. That explains my reallyyyyy long post. Hahahaha.
That's good I guess. I'm exceptionally happy. Totally love it!
And I shall blog 'Style your hair Part II' soon. Specially for my dear waikit. Hahahaha.

California gurls we're unforgettable. Daisy dukes bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin so hot we'll melt your popsicle
Oooooh oh ooooooh.

2010-08-18T23:23:00.004+08:00

"In those eyes, I see the reflection of a lost girl who likes to get lost in her own entanglement of thoughts. She cannot see the truth. She only believes what she can in order to survive the day. Because sometimes, disenchantments are more surreal and less painful than living each day without him."

I'm tired, I cannot fix this. But Ily no matter what.

2010-08-02T00:01:00.009+08:00

BEAR.

I bear my heart.
I wonder if it's worth the try.
If I knew you would lie,
given a second chance,
I stand firm on you.

Eveybody has secrets they never tell.
But I don't need to know everything.
I just need to feel that you are real.

I'm an immovable object.
A stubborn mule,
I take ages to adjust.
So, don't walk into my life if you intend to leave.

Don't stir it up.
Cause once it's woken, I can't stop.

2010-07-24T14:23:00.011+08:00

STYLE YOUR HAIR. PART I.

Hahahaha, ok. So I'm being cheeky here. Someone told me this is sexy and it turns him on. wth right. And I actually buy what he said for a moment. But he was obviously joking.

Busy lazy week. Feeling less productive and even more tired. So not good at all.

Whatz up lately.
1)Party at alcova was awesome! I couldn't feel my feet at th end of everything. I was working/having fun. But I swear his parties are hell yeah good.

And I'm thinking about a chocolate pool party now. omg! hahaha.

2)Jo brought us to a lounge at some country club.

And we had our own version of jamming and concert. We are screaming & yelling nonsense. Joehan D. was annoying ttm! Hahaha. He went for a nudeswim & a nudewalk. And yes, you can imagine the rest of the night.

3)I was at wcp with cutiepie ytd. Chilling & laughing.

I thought we hit off very well. I enjoyed myself, and I hope he did. *Oh btw if you're reading this, I forgot to tell you that you've a cheeky smile that's pretty charming. Hahaha. And yes, we shall have orange juice on my birthday.

Ok, back to hair.

I'm tempted to cut off my hair. Back to short hair?

I want purple & blue highlights.

It's 3.02pm now. Taking a quick nap and then bury my head in books. Hopefully a quick one. *fingers crossed*

It's funny how you still love the person, but you just stop needing them like you used to.
Past vs Present. There are always those lines that dance between the past and the present.
So where do I lie? I'm marooned in a no man's land. All by myself.

2010-07-13T19:30:00.003+08:00

Yes. I shall not procrasinate and spend my time wisely. Less than 4 months, I'm giving my full force.
And somehow, even tho I kinda dislike the stress that comes w studying. It made me feel happier cos I get into less trouble, I think. Troubles like distraught thoughts and overwhelming relationships. Not like drugs or assault, if that's why you are thinking.

I used to feel, I need everything placed in the right footing in my life. Perfect friends & family, perfect bf, perfect house & sch & career. You name it you have it. I need things in life to come w massive achievements. Massive, like spectacular. I know I sound like a perfectionist. But I guess I'm not being a perfectionist, more like being idealistic & non realistic.

I realised, I just need to be contented. And be a lil more forgiving to things surrounding me.

Ok, this sounds like a very reflective & spiritual post. Hahaha.

Ok, I'm gonna share something really personal which is rarely my way of writing on a public space.

Recently, someone asked me about my love life. I frozed. Actually, I don't really like talking or even publicising. Cause it's too complicated & well, sometimes too unconventional. (I'm not a lesbian) Many have so much to talk about love. But many know so little about it. And I'm still growing & learning to love.

Like this song goes, "There's gotta be something for my soul out there..."
I believe in having someone so special that surpasses all boundaries of location, of time, of anyone that comes along. There's no intervention of any sort which can waver our love. And that it doesn't change the state of my love for him. To me, that's perfect. Ah, haha, my idea of perfection again. I'm not asking for an ideal man w that hot looking bod and all the perfect shit people talk about. But it's all that little imperfections of him that makes him so perfect and right for me. Sounds cliché right.

But as you read and all those words sink deep down in your heart as it soothes right inside you. It feels damn amazing just thinking about it.

To my special someone, I pray you wait. You wait for us to be one. You wait for us to be perfect for each other.

2010-07-10T01:14:00.003+08:00

Adiéu, mon chéri. Je t'aime.

Alright. Bummers to start.
First, Germany lost and I lost my bet. Not monetary bet. Something worse than that though.

Second, I failed math despite thinking that I could at least pass. It's really demoralizing esp when you really did try. And tried the hardest outta the rest of the subjects. I really really need some help.

Third, I'm suffering from a 'sleep too much' syndrome. I sleep for 12 hours. Worst, I sleep at 6am in the morning. My body clock is not functioning well.

Sidenote,
Today I learnt about making decisions. Making wise decisions.
And to say something to this friend : leaving church was a wise decision for me. There are many things that you don't see. If you see people learning and growing, I'm sorry I don't. Cause I see a group of people growing towards emptiness and conformity.

I can't speak for anyone but myself. And I'm not being judgemental.
And I can't say I'm better off. But at least I know, I can be myself. The only way to stay alive and feel alive, is to be true to myself. And I can't be what the church wants me to be. Being stifled and suffocated in an organisation, I don't see any growth of any sort.

My main point in saying all these is to let you know why I left. And to tell you've no right to judge me and comment should I or should I not leave. You aren't leading my life, or ever a listener to me, so you've no right to make a comment like that.

Ok, back t sch life. I'm very disturbed by the results from midyears. I think I really need to gear up and be focus. I'm panicking cause there's only 4 months left. Ugh, and there goes my nightlife. :(

Fingers crossed, study hard and study harder.

Goodbye to you loved ones. Goodbye to you beloved. I want to tell you I will be back. But I'm afraid I'm only back to wreck you. So, goodbye.
Adiéu, mon chéri. Je t'aime.

2010-06-18T01:41:00.003+08:00

This tiny wrecked space is for my unsatisfied heart w profuse rants that shun people away. Feeling like I'm in a shithole. I feel binded by all the shit people say or do.

Many are in this pretence of being tough and independent, but I shall be the first to admit that I'll kill myself if I'm going to live life without anyone. That would mean me alone in the world. Is that even possible.

I'm even more jaded when I'm in the slums compared to me out in the world, on the go for some kind of fun. This routinary life is fucked up. No way am I going to continue my life with that after 12 years of education.

The only comfort I can get was by reading about people lives from different era, of people from the Bronte sisters to Marilyn Monroe, from Shakespeare to Michael Jackson, everyone is in their own kind of struggle. Struggle and pain are inundated in life. No matter how improved we are, how advanced and all those shit, we are still in this struggle. It's a common oppression everyone seems to undergo.

It makes me question where the hell is the humanity everyone is talking about? Or maybe struggling is part of humanity. Did I just answer my question. Fuck.

After reading what I just rambled, you would advise me to grab some rest cause I appear tired. But guess what, everyday I go through this tiresome and helpless process of struggle. And many times I don't know what the heck I'm struggling for/with.

Fuck. People use this word because they just don't know any other way to describe the feeling they are experiencing. And it's the shortest way to express that deepest and lowest emotion. Apathy w grief.

2010-06-13T17:17:00.003+08:00

CHEAP THRILLS W SOME TEQUILA.

The whole week I'm either stuck in the library or home attempting to study. And I think I'll seriously flung my midyears badly. Real bad. I've no motivation to study. And everyday, I dread. HOW? :(

I need some fun.

On a personal note...
Walking down memory lane-opening boxes of notes, letters, photos and gifts. Reminiscing some wonderful good ol' days. Pangs of anxiety and frustration stirred within my heart. I regretted at some point. Regretted not mustering that courage to face up with my feelings and the people around me. Regretted that a relationship I used to hide has transformed into cycles of emotional wreck.

I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. Most of the time we make up that reason for what has happened. We elude ourselves and play pretence. Things happen because we cause it to happen be it intentionally or unknowingly. We make decisions of what's going to happen next. It's simply the idea of cause and effect.

I tried to reason out the things that happen in my life. But i realise there's no other way in finding answers except through asking the heart what it truly wants.

I learn to face up with my feelings whether or not it's deemed to be wrong or immoral in the eyes of others. So what if people disapprove of me, at least I'm true to myself. And I assure that I'm true to my friends. Guess what people who disapprove are usually the biggest liars. They lie to people who they really are. Worst of all, they lie to themselves, denying of what they want. These 'friends' are so sincere aren't they?

They make me laugh. And luckily, you showed me your true colours when you yelled at me outside the lecture theatre during a supposed renewing camp. Cause now I know I don't have to play your game anymore.

Stop pretending you're all holy, pretending you embrace all sorts of people when you actually asked people to leave. I will never forget how this Christian ask me to leave because She thinks I'm inappropriate. You're damn fake.

2010-06-08T00:00:00.004+08:00

I spent my entire week of holiday in sch. Totally cool right.
But my weekends are awesome! My Sunday is the best, cause I slept till 3pm in th afternoon. Terribly tired. So the movie, A Nightmare on Elm Street didn't cause insomnia. I slept like a pig, must be sch and all. Not too bad a movie, I thought the plot was pretty good.

So yes, I found someone to watch the movie with me. I hope he's not suffering from insomnia. Haha.
And happy happy 18 sweetheart! Love you NERISSA!!

THIS IS FOR YOU!

5 reasons why I love you;

1) you listen t my jokes & laugh.

2) you accompany me for toilet trips.

3) you have big boobs.

4) you breast feed me with em. HAHAHAHAHA.

5) I like your powder smell.

I realise that many times my guy friends do so much better than you. I'm such a bad lover.

2010-05-31T00:11:00.006+08:00

That piece of advice is gonna be easypeasy, provided I decide to fail my A's.
Hi world. I'm here to give a piece of myself. Whatever that means.
Guess what, it's the HOLIDAYS..NOT.
Sch is totally bullshit. And I choose to believe that Spore education is flawed.

I have not exactly started my mugging engine.
Cause,
1) My table is totally in a mess.
2) I thought it's the holidays!
3) I'm enticed by GSS!!! (But I'm in debt as well. So no GSS for me?!)
4) There's too many movies I need to catch.

Talking about movies, I WANNA WATCH A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.
And I made a few phone calls, sent out a few texts. All the replies were, "Any movie but that."
My friends are puss. Totally.
So pls, anyone wants to watch, gimme a call! Pls pls pls! I wanna catch that!!

Trailer for now!

Ok, I promise that I shall study after this movie. Pinky swear.

To hewer boy, stop testing me out. We both know the answers. But still recently, I'm feeling as if I'm losing my grip. Tell me it's not true.

2010-05-12T22:00:00.009+08:00

Meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for your health, say Scientists.

So, the article says according to a study from some university, spending 5 minutes alone with an attractive woman can raise cortisols, which is the body's stress hormones.

The effect is enhanced in men who believed that the woman in question is 'out of the league'. Cortisols has been linked to heart disease which is produced by the body under physical or psychological stress.

And it ended off with saying that cortisol can have a positive effect in small doses, improving alertness and well-being.

However, major elevated cortisol levels can worsen medical conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, hyper tension and impotency. HAHA.

http://news.xin.msn.com/en/news-photos.aspx?cp-documentid=4081049

This is the link, it's pretty interesting. Hah.

BUT, will meeting gorgeous men gives ladies bad health?! Cause, OMG. I'M SO IN LOVE WITH RYAN VIGILANT & MATT PAETZ.

RYAN V.

MATT PAETZ.

The two hunks.

Omg, if the above theory is true. I will be infertile. Hahaha.
Ok, off to bed. Night.

2010-05-09T18:14:00.003+08:00

I've been lazy.
Lazy t study, lazy t run, lazy t blog. And I'm not doing any productive work. So, I've this feeling that my mid year exam is going to screw up.

Omg, I've to share this. This sorta craze has been away from me for quite a while. But it came back recently. Three days- two cute boys.
boy no.1, I met this bartender at new asia. And he's so cool. I'm so gonna go back there.
boy no.2, I went to see the doc this morning cos I had an asthma attack, prolly due t two consecutive nights of partying. And guess what, the doctor is fucking hot and young. Dr Wong.

The doctor said that I should rest. So I've got one day mc! WHOO HOOO!
But I've to go to sch becos my dad is being annoying. :(

Someone said this to me, "I like to be with you cause you're full of surprises. And I know I can never get bored out of it. But guess what, I realise it's also a challenge to keep up with you. Cause you're always changing."

2010-04-19T23:00:00.009+08:00

HI PEOPLE. I'M IN A DEBT OF

HOMEWORKS.

AND I CAN'T HIT MY DEADLINES.

COS I'M ALL TOO TIRED AND

DISTRACTED

TO DO ANYTHING.

I'M IN A

PRETTY

BAD STATE.

AS I'M TRYING MY VERY BEST TO

GRASP INFORMATION LIKE AIR.

THEY ARE MY SURVIVAL TOOLS TILL

A'S.

ONE WORD: STRUGGLE.

I'M STRUGGLING

TO STAY FOCUS.

2010-04-11T23:43:00.004+08:00

Mood: Angst

Sucks. It's Monday to come again. Homeworks, revisions. All the motivation talks and whatnot. I'm sick of this already. I need the fucking holidays to be here now. Cos I'm all so distracted and I'm procrastinating. This is just bad. Everything is.

Why do I always have to be second in everything?
Even in your heart...
I'm so foolish.

2010-04-05T23:44:00.003+08:00

I must tell myself i will come through all these. It's tough & draining at this living moment, but it'll pass. My ultimate goal is to come through all these with glory not regrets. Take that.

2010-04-03T19:57:00.007+08:00

"Love means you can never be apart."

When my son, Jack, was four, I had to make a trip to Los Angeles. I asked him if he was going to miss me. "Not so much," Jack told me. "You're not going to miss me?" I said. Jack shook his head, and he said, "Love means you can never be apart."
I suppose that it revolves around a belief that nothing is more important in life than giving and receiving love. - James Patterson.

I fell in love with Sundays at Tiffany's. Omg, this book is really awesome. Thanks mag for the recommendation.

Sometimes in life when we think we've to always be on the go, to keep up with the world we're in. To make sure we please our parents, our teachers and our friends. But if they really love us, they will stop their demands and not use it as an excuse of love.
Don't get me wrong, we all know they all want the best for us. But many times, instead of giving and showing love, their love became rather suffocating.

We always have this perception of,"If you love me enough, you'll do this for me." or, "If you love me enough, you'll stay and never leave."
Many times we demand, we threaten our lovers, our friends or even our kins with this. I'm no exception. But then love is more than the demands and whatnot.

It's something within us, the beauty. Beauty, it is so overwhelming that it goes straight to our hearts and make us feel emotions that are locked away inside. It doesn't waver because of circumstances. It doesn't mean I love you lesser because you left. Likewise, someone left not because he loves you lesser.

Love is vulnerable. It makes us infinitely more human. It makes us give off ourselves despite knowing that sometimes we will not get anything in return eventually.
Yes, it sounds like when you love someone so much, you're at the losing end where you are slowly ripping yourself. No, love is not a game. There are no winners, there are no losers.
There are only people who willingly give off themselves.

I admire these people, because they are the ones who truly love despite whatever that comes their way.

2010-03-29T23:24:00.006+08:00

HAPPY 20th!

Happy belated Cc! Known you for 10 years and still counting. Omgosh, that's like more than half my lifetime. hahaha. You're totally gay and "hot". I'm saying this to please you since it's your bday. You should return the favour prolly by getting me the whole entire collection of mayday parade or lifehouse. *hint hint*

BRYAN & NINGYI. You two are so dead. When I came home and switch on the computer, I saw sth on my screen. A really unsightly naked photo of someone. I shan't say who. But I was laughing my head off. Wth. hahahaha.

Sidetrack, Cts are over with a short break of four days. It was a pretty good weekend, I PLAYed really hard. hahahaha. Eyeopener. And I think I've used my breaks to my fullest. Can't be anymore tired.

Recently, I've this sudden urge to quit sch and be an entreprenuer. Sounds cool right. But I haven't give a thought onto what I should do.

These few weeks have been a rather well, self realization to certain things.
1) I realise that my bathing habit is getting serious.
I bath for at least three times a day. And during my exam period, I bathe more than that. Like 5-6 times? That's kinda bad, cause my dad always complain that I'm wasting a lot of water. And it's like as if I've a disease.
2) I think I've been dropping hair lately.
My mom says so, cause she sweeps the floor.
3) Pork is getting more revolting nowadays.
I'm starting to dislike even the smell of it.
4) I miss hewerboy more than I actually I thought I would.
I want him back, away from the stupid jungle trip.
5) Being sadistic is one way to destress.
I rmb experimenting disecting a hamster with a ballpoint pen. Ok now people think Imma sick in the mind. But I believe everyone killed ants before right. So don't judge.

Idk why, but I really would wanna have everyone, everything I need to surround me. Not as if I must be first place in everyone's eye, or first in everything I do. I just need a few. A few friends, a few lovers. Sounds contradicting,but no it's not.
There's so many things that I've to learn. And I need to really humble myself to do so. Cos sometimes I think I know what the hell I'm doing, but in the end, I realise that's not very true. I screw up most of the time.
Well, I think Im writing rather weird nonsense already. Good night.
Oh btw, sch sucks. I hate my life to be a drama.

I like my hair to be this way.

2010-03-19T01:19:00.006+08:00

I'm suppose to be a nerd mugging my ass off but apparently not. I've something bugging me and I just need to let if off somewhere and I decide to rant on this dying blog.

Guess what, I'm running out of everything. Running out of time, running out of patience, running out of trust, running out of love. Where to get supply? That's dumb I know. Whatever.

I'm running outta trust. I don't know the extent I should trust. It's different from love. I still love you, but I don't trust you. I realised how tough it is to really put my heart into believing when mere words are plain simple. I know I need to find back that trust before I lose all that energy to do so. The source I reckon would be love. But wait, is it really my fault that I lose that trust? Or is it becos of you?

And yes, I'm running outta love and the patience to love. And maybe everyone is feeling the same way towards me as well. Fucked up that you actually have to hold the phone at your ears at the earliest time of the morning and listen to some mad woman blast her rants at you tho everything is pretty much none of your business and you can't do much anyway. Well that sucks. And it sucks to be me. Love can run out, can you actually believe this piece of shit I'm saying? Love runs out...

I just wanna run away to somewhere and talk to the animals. Like as if I actually like ém. The point is, I'm always on the run. Escaping from what I have to face. Escaping from all the answers I've to give. And it's a never ending race. When will I ever stop and learn to face my problems? Someone asked me before. I couldn't answer him right after him. And I still cannot.

Ok, this is an emo piece of crap that I vomitted out. After a few days, certain issues will haunt me again. And guess what, life gets tougher.

Oh yea, happy 18th lorraine. Totally love the steamboat. hahahaha. ty for everything.

2010-03-14T01:13:00.006+08:00

CAPTURE WITHIN A MIND.

Wow. I seriously have no time to keep this blog alive. Well, Year 2 in Jc is really hectic. And I want A's to be over at this instant moment. :(

I lost my momentum to mug this past week. Been hitting town & cq lately. So pls people! IF YOU SEE ME, PLS ASK ME TO STUDY. AND STOP ASKING ME OUT. (esp jo & hewerboy.)

Time: 150am. Just got home with hewerboy. We chilled around the park and talked for pretty long.

Thing is, many stuff have been flickering in my head, like some flash. And I know it's really absurd for me to say such stuff. I know I'm gonna miss you for being away for a month. But I have this strong feeling that somehow I'm gonna lose what I have now. And I hate that feeling of being stripped away, hard & totally unexpected - been there. I don't wanna go through that cycle cos once is enough. Twice is like digging a bigger hole in a wound attempting to heal.

I'm afraid to give you my all. I'm afraid to love you completely. What if behind your beautiful face and kind words, you're just bribing me. Maybe you're just reeling me in until you turn around and drop me. I'd fall so far and never be able to recover. I wish I could see the ending sometimes so that I would know if I should hold on to you and keep going or just let it all end before I get up too high.

Somehow I need the assurance and I don't know how you gonna give it.

I know this is not even an update. A mere note for hewerboy. If you are smart enough, you've already gotten the update - hewerboy. haha. Ok, I'm a lil cranky now. Good night.

Actually two.

2010-02-28T23:28:00.009+08:00

MOTHERLY INSTINCTS.

It's Micbay's little baby sis, Nicole Bay! I love these two photos! It's taken eons ago.
I think I wanna have babies now. hahaha. Seriously, I would really wanna have 5 kids, I mean if I can. My math teacher was sharing with the class the other day that women who have very flexible or stretchable vagina (there's a more accurate and scientific term for it, but I dk what it's called), should give birth more.

I'm suppose to be studying now, and compensate for sleeping the whole afternoon. But I guess I just lose my momentum to do so. Procrastination sets in. And here I am, blogging more than usual lately, waiting for bf to call at the same time.
Well, this week has been hell. Totally exhausted and emotionally draining. I quarrelled with my teacher, I piss M off. Sucks right. Totally.

But thank you, cos for you, it makes all these a lil more bearable.

And to gladys, Imy too! I saw your msg, but I've limited sms, so I didn't reply you. Wanna talk to you tooo! Hope you see this! Ttys.
And bay, miss you too. Can't find a chance to talk to you. But we will, someday. (:

Things will get better.

This vid triggers alot in me.

2010-02-23T21:37:00.004+08:00

SCHOOL'S BEEN AN ASS.
Omg, I think I'm dying. I can't take it anymore. I realised that I have to study so much, but I'm left with less than 36 weeks. Wth. Nowadays, I wake up and stared at the ceiling and told myself, shit, I'm one day closer to A levels. And I can't make it.

I can't do math. It's just tough. How is it possible for people to get over 80percent for math? FREAK PLS.
And econs has so much content to take in.
CSE, VICTOR SUCKS. HE CAN'T TEACH.
And worse, I'll never do these subjects in Uni. So wtf am I studying this?

I miss going out and play. :(
I really have no time to meet up with my peeps.
I miss jo, dan and all!
vonzo, ash, shaun
and jaslyn, yj, tommy and daryl.
:( I'M SO DEPRIVED.

FUCK A'S. I'm an emo kid now, leave me alone.

2010-02-13T13:07:00.002+08:00

This was me recently.
So damn shag. So much so that all my energy is channelled to school which left me less to dwell on anything or anyone.

I read my lit text last night, I couldn't understand a shit Harold pinter was trying to portray and ended up dozing off. When I woke up, I realised that certain things he said just makes sense. I wonder if it was his theory, but there's this saying that in the world of absurdity, there's no rules, no laws, no regulations. And maybe not even morals nor ethnics.

Every beginning need not have an ending.
Every ending need not be a pleasant one.
Everything we do need not have a purpose.
Not everything you thought is what it is.
There's no such thing- good or bad, right or wrong.

This sounds totally unconventional. But fact is, the world we live in has been transforming to the tune of this theory.

"I've tricks in my pocket, I've things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion." - Tennessee Williams.

Omg, I just realised that I kinda complete my hw for lit. Cos I manage to have a rough interpretation of what the heck Pinter is trying to say.

And I saw the angbao my mommy gave me!
I shall date my books real soon. And my thoughts are fragmented. I'm in this philosophical mode, hahaha. Ok, I'm becoming like tommy. Whatever.

I'm going back to sleep. at 2pm in the afternoon.

2010-02-04T21:29:00.006+08:00

MADNESS.

Last week, few girls went into a shopping frenzy. Good buys, totally excited. Felt all the stress loaded off. Nerissa! We should seriously shop again SOON.

And sch was...frantic. It's crazy how I've to wake up so early almost everyday. It's a challenge I'm telling you. Miss the class alot. Thanks for taking hw for me, QT. I've got so much to tell you. And ogl was draining. But I do enjoy my mg! (:

I managed to talk to jo on the phone, ranting to her about all the shit that's going on. Thank god she called me, or else I think I'll just break down. And we are going to have a party at your place, I want whisky k, ty. hahaha. I know you planned this for me, ty so much. (:

I guess I've been telling my heart to stop thinking about someone every single day until it finally becomes a routine and I don't notice anymore. But when I saw him, I felt as if I've gone back to square one.

P.s, I've a fetish/crush/funnyfeeling for someone in sch. Oops.

2010-01-21T21:08:00.005+08:00

2010 hasn't been too great for me so far. It feels like I will have to go through the whole cycle of 2009 again. I damn tired from school already.
I do expect alot from this year. Cos it's the year I'm turning 18 ! So, I hope, really really wish that it will be filled with much joy, friends, fun & love.

On a personal note,
my life now is filled with uncertainity, with doubt, yet with a heart driven with thrills and excitement. I know life with God was different. It was that security that I've got whom no one can ever offer. It was everlasting and never changing, unlike the world I live in. People changes as and when. Things never stay the way it is. And when I decide to embrace the world, I let my heart be vulnerable to all the potential hurts I can get from anyone. But yet, I can't deny the fact that there were happy moments from all of it. It's just that these moments don't seem to last longer than the heartbreaks. Why can't I stretch these moments, when I can just lie down with someone special, gazing stars and talk all night long? When someone will make me feel that I mean so much to him, even if it means giving up the whole world? And though many people said that only God's love can make me whole. But God's love was too much and overpowering. And maybe, just maybe, someone's love is all I need.

Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and where you want to be. - G.G.

Ok, as I mentioned, my first 2010 resolution was to fly to Germany to find Vonzo. Secondly, I'll be a student for the upcoming 8 months till A's. If you are wondering why 8 months cause I decided to start mugging only after feb. hahaha.

Shit, my dad brought durians home. I FEEL LIKE PUKING. THE STENCH IS WARPING MY LUNGS.

2010-01-05T01:56:00.006+08:00

OMG. I'm seriously not ready for sch. First, I've only completed 3 math qns from all my hols assignment. Second, i wake up in the afternoons. Third, I haven't pack my table. Tell me I'm screwed. :(
But I can't wait to see some peeps in sch.

But sch gonna sucks without Ner. Big boo. :(

YOUR FART FACE. Gonna miss you so much.

LOVE THIS PIC. YEAH, I'm gonna miss zw too.

How I really hope 2010 can dart past. I'm already looking forward to my 7 months of holiday after A's. But reality check, I must mug. Do it once & do it well. I don't want any regrets. I know Im gonna miss so much fun out there. But all can wait right.

First 2010 plan, I wanna go Germany to find Vonzo.

2009-12-28T02:16:00.009+08:00

YOU STOLE MY HEART, BANDIT.

A few of us gathered at a park one late night, having a couple of drinks, chatting and bitching. And somehow, our topics drifted to exams and school. "What are you gonna do if we screw up our senior year and fail damn badly?" Joehann went- 'Idk, we can get together & start some business!' And Estherg rebutted, 'No no, just rob a bank.' I said I would join the army and then marry some rich kid. We all came up with all sorts of answers, Josie was the best,"heck, just be a pornstar." Hahahahaha.

I've got a really hot godma.
At 'ShopnSave', when you shop over an amount of money, you'll get free rebates which comes in small tokens. So one morning, we went to to 'ShopnSave', there were a few old aunties waiting at the entrance. Apparently these old aunties were waiting for shoppers to give them their rebates. Usually people don't keep those rebates cause they come in very very small amount and would offer these old aunties by being kind. So they approached my godma and asked if she has the rebates, she said,'Have! But I don't wanna give you.' (In Mandarin) Omg, it was damn funny.
She bullies old grannies!!!

This week was just, -.

10 things I hate...
when you don't pick up calls or reply texts,#1
you tell me 3 hours before a date, you can't make it,#2
you make changes be it venues, timing, etc, as if I can read your mind.#3
when you pretend to be someone else when you are with others.#4
when you say it yet you don't show it.#5
when I found out you lied,#6
you keep things away from me.#7
when you say you miss me, but still can't find a way to see me.#8
when I've to guess who you truly are.#9
when I can't stop the feeling of loving you.#10

2009-12-20T15:51:00.010+08:00

HON WEEK.

This week flew real quick. And I realised I haven't touched any school work. Imma so dead. Christmas is near, and I have plans for any days except eve and xmas. Well people, date me on these days! There's so many things I wanna do before my holiday ends, shit. I need another two months of break!!!

Btw, Fiona is a BAD HOST. hahahaha. She's being a bitch too, clapping and slapping making horny noises. And we are not even on alcohol. Crap, that's what happen when your mommy's not home.

HER HON FACE.

Here comes my favourite part...
#1
#2
#3
#4
#5
#6

PART TWO.
#1
#2
#3
#4

Vonzo says you're cute!

And seb, sucha long time I actually get a chance to talk to you.

Fiona wants to meet up! 8D

Love you bestf.

To, Lorraine, Imyouuuu! & ty for everything.

To, Joehann & Josie, YEAH! COMING BACK NEXT WEEK! CAN'T WAIT.

2009-12-08T01:15:00.002+08:00

These are one of those nights when you are all alone, no phonecalls, no dates, no parties. It feels pretty hollow within. And when you needed some sort of answers, it feels as if the whole world is avoiding you. It makes you wonder wtheck am I home when people are having a whole load of fun out there. Though it's just this one night that you're home, it feels damn shitty. It sucks to feel awake in the middle of the night when you know maybe you can get some fun out there.
F, why am I so angsty. Maybe waikit is right about me having a disease.

The consequences that came along with all the fun are far more deadly than anything else. Yet, I chose those fun nights because sometimes, the thirst of my heart is more torturing than anything else.

2009-12-02T04:15:00.005+08:00

BACK TO SQUARE ONE.

I'm back from UK, and obviously I'm suffering from jetlag looking from this unearthly hour that I'm still online. UK's great. The places are beautiful, so are the people. It feels really relax, and I could just gaze my eyes upon the beauty of the mountains and streets. Pictures are soon to be out when my friends upload them.
And joehann dan, you suck, I tried contacting you at UK, you didn't pick up your call. I was thrilled to see you, you totally broke my heart. :( Thank god you are coming back later in the month, Imy soo much.

As I returned, my heart sank. You're back to reality girl, I told myself. All the troubles that I cast away and left behind in Spore, crept into my heart the moment I'm back home. England feels like a dream. I didn't have to worry about life, family, boys, school, etc. Coming back feels as if I've got a whole load of shit waiting for me to overcome. When I shut my eyes, I could sense the pressure and tension overwhelming my being. And I knew 2010 would be another year of shit. It feels like a thunderstorm about to arrive, along with a choppy sea. It really feels damn crappy.

Resolution, I wanna be capable of kissing my scars away.

2009-11-14T02:21:00.003+08:00

Letters.

To: boy #1
Hey sweetheart, everything halt. Yet, the fondness grows greater and greater each day. Imy, everyday. It's tough to get by, cause it's everything without you. But life moves on no matter how much desire there is for the past. The tension seems to grow between the both of us. It makes me wonder if you're my boy. But I can't deny that there was once a time when you had my heart fully to yourself. When you decided that you throw away half of it, you change my perspective, you change my heart. Crude to say, you can't blame me for what I've become, cause it started all from you. Ily more than you ever realised. You never see things deep enough, yet many times, the heartfelt truths are all buried deep down in the heart.

To: boy #2
Hey honey, maybe you aren't ready for me. But I can't wait for you my lifetime. Cause it is unfair and I wonder if you're really worth the wait. Sometimes I told myself that you're pretty much a very good catch. But I can't let you have it your way all the time, I want to know how much I mean to you. I want to know if I'm worth the chase. By merely telling me wasn't enough for me to know my worth. I need that adrenaline rush, I need that humility. And you ain't showing any of those signs.

To: boy #3
Hey darling, things between us have been rather awkward. There's so many things I hope I can tell you, but the barriers and distractions around us are way too much for us to spend time together. I feel awful for not knowing what to say upon seeing how screwed up you are. I'm really lost for words, and feel so inadequate and helpless, cause I can't walk this path with you. It is as if I left you behind, and you have to scramble by yourself. Yet, I feel that ache. Maybe the special bond between us was just a misleading path. We are just meant to be buddies. Maybe we both carried out a lil too far, and it's time we get back to where we meant to be.

P.S: Special & dear in your very own ways.
P.P.S: I love you.

2009-11-13T01:11:00.003+08:00

I can't sleep despite being under several medications.
I'm bloody affected by the release of the Promotional results. That feeling sucks knowing that you'll move on, leaving a few people behind. I don't know how to tell 'someone' that it's all gonna be alright, cos I know it isn't. This is one occasion that you have no idea what to say or do to make 'someone' feel better. All I can say is, I'll be here for you all the way.

2009-11-11T23:30:00.005+08:00

11/11

MAKE A WISH.

It's eleventh november. 11/11
And I made a few wishes...
I wish, for daddy & mommy to get back.
I wish, situation at home to get better.
I wish, for special someone.
I wish, you forgive.
I wish, to truly love once again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Had lotsa fun with my classmates. 'Kewl' gang of people to hang out with! I love the black, the white, the minahz and the lianz. HAHA.

entourage.

Learn to love, back to basics.

2009-11-02T00:51:00.005+08:00

happy birthday, my bitches.

hey girls ! Sweet seventeennnn! I hope your special days are filled with much joy laughter love. One more year to eighteen! That will spell freedom ! (haha, we'll do naughty things together!)

SHANICE DEAR, we used to bicker alot during secondary sch days. but somehow we learn to tolerate with each other alot tis yr. Probably because we see each other less often. We should really meet up more often. love you sweetheart. study hard !

And FIONA, can't thank you anymore for what you've done for me. As much as I would like to throw a party for you, I'm tight down with sch and other stuff. Well, we always have next yr!

abcdefghappy !

happy seventeen girls. love you all.

2009-10-26T22:38:00.005+08:00

UNITED KINGDOM

I'm really looking forward to go. Man, just another month and I'll be going England. Not just the beautiful architectures & rich culture. It feels like narnia.

London Bridge is so beautiful.

Not only that, I can meet my blonde guy.

Mitch Hewer. <3

I'm bloody angsty today. I dont know why. I stayed home the whole day, wanted to study Chinese but I rented alot of movies and videos. And they are all waiting for me to undress them. lol. sounds so anal.

Watching disturbing and dysfunctional movies make my whole heart so uneasy. I really honestly think I've a weak heart. Man, I'm really reluctant to return sch tmr.

Maybe Tommy is right, I should retain with such sucky results I got. I'm not ready for A's at all.

I tried to do the things I loved, hoping that it will make my mood better. Even chocolates have lost their effects on me. Nothing can make it better ain't so. And though I need you badly, I choose to believe that you won't make my life better too.

I hate school

I hate pw

I hate pj

I hate the parties & hangovers; believe it or not

I hate the aftermath of your love

I hate you

I hate me

I hate my life

Fuck it.

My life is aimless and screwed up.

Over and out.

2009-10-24T04:14:00.005+08:00

ANGSTY. Ty's & LOVE.

Hmm, it gets pretty heavy when you decide to bury your secret deep inside you It's like a car getting jammed and stucked within those dirty ground yet dying to restart the engine and head on. Imma glad I said my piece just now. I expected your reaction. In fact, it turned out very much the same, just like the way I thought it would. But it was a relief from all the truthfulness. It felt as though I could at least breathe a lil more. All I could say was, sorry boy; I shouldn't have. If you think you didn't matter, we wouldn't have come this far. I love you, and I know I don't say enough and show enough.

Promos results were out. My weak heart felt like dying that tuesday with all the scripts I'm getting at one shot. I felt like puking, my whole body wanted to collapse. And I didn't do that well compared to midyears. Well, I expected it. I mean with so many distractions in the midst of promos, how can I actually do well aight. But I guess promoting shouldn't be a problem.

School is a shit hellhole honestly. I can't further explain that. But despite all the angsty moments and depressing times, these people are there. I truly appreciate it.

First off, LORRAINE ONG. Thanks girl. All the night studies with you and that indian were totally fun. And thanks for being there. Though your innocent mind may not understand everything, but your effort to listen and being physically there (though sometimes your soul not there) have been appreciated. And we gonna promote and mug our ass off tgt. Don't worry girl.

Mag, oh god. I know I'm the biggest racist on earth. But at least you know, I'm faithful in loving one indian and that's you! You've been alot of help in my circumstances. It really make this rough sea easier to sail through with your advices and comfort. And I told myself, if an indian bimbo can go through, so do I. HAHA. You are stronger than you think you are. And trust me, you can get so much more from life without boys.

Adina: I realised we often get into heated arguments. But guess what, it doesn't change anything within our friendship. We know ultimately, we still care and love eachother. And I hope you realise that you mean alot to me more than you think. Esther Yen: Thanks for the 50 dollar voucher, I've to first say. HAHA. And all the trouble to get me to church. I've to say, I'm a troublesome person. Sorry for that.

To two of my dearest besties. Thanks for everything. I know no matter what happen, you guys will be there. Even if one day I decide to run away from home, I know fiona will be the first to keep me in. Thanks girl. And shan, sorry for my disappearing act. I love you guys very much.

Lastly, to tommy, rach & micbay. Ty. It's comforting to know that you guys will forgive no matter how dumb and horrible I am. Tommy, I honestly felt bad when you said that you're always the last person I turned to when all else fails and esp when I get very desperate and helpless. Ok, that's not exactly true, cos you're the second last. God is always the last. HAHA. You are harsh but I know you care. Rach, whenever it comes to you, I realised I'm loss for words. It's terribly annoying to hear me whine. It sucks I know. Actually I don't really know how that sucks, maybe I should tape-record it and hear it for myself. HAHA. And micbay, I don't know why, but though we don't meet up very often, I feel that we are so connected in a special way. Ok, I hope I don't give off any lesbian vibes. Many times, you're simply be there, no matter how tough it is. And I know I can count on you.

Ty, people. I love you guys.

And to the very someone, I love you too.

2009-10-13T20:42:00.003+08:00

Upfront.

Past few days/weeks were...screwed up.
Juggling with promos and other stuffs can totally kill me.
Phonecalls, distraught thoughts, hangover parties, and the list goes on. It's really obvious how my life is sucha drama to this fucking state that I hate it to the core.
Ok, I'm very tempermental and vulgar. Shit, I need to do sth about it.
At least promos is over, but I'm nervous about the results.

And I'm totally pissed with the school timetable. It's terribly messed up.
I've to report to school for assembly at 740am for Interhouse games. Yet, my game is at 2. Worst, I'm not allowed to leave the sch. Wth. It's freaking retarded. And I totally skipped it.
What more for hours of Pw tutorials ahead. Finishing sch at only 4.

Pushing all these aside, I'm going to UK, London real soon in Nov. I seriously can't wait! I did a lil shopping for my winter stuff. Walking into vivo with the new arrivals of Winter collection along the shelves, displaying with such glam and pride, my eyes nearly popped out. Goodness, everything is England to me. I need money. Lotsa of it. Maybe a thousand dollar all the way to christmas. It should be enough. Eh, maybe not. Maybe just a few hundred dollars more? haha.

Recently, I've been flooding my spare time with movies, dramas and books. Man, it's totally incested with love, romance, murder, sex, gore and whatnot. If I just lose my mind one day, I think i will become a killer. Omg, that's totally fun. I already have people in mind.

Excuse me for the whimy whines. I guess I'm not in any mood for anything nowadays. It sucks I know. It feels as if I'm keeping sth from you guys. Thing is, not everyone understands. Or rather, not everyone wish to understand. And I'm not ready for any scoldings or guilt trips. I'm too tired. I just want to do things in my own strike if that's possible.
Well, I shall end off with saying, hey, love you guys the same. Nothing between us will change. It's still the same.

Ok, off to my bigbangtheory. (:

2009-10-11T04:57:00.002+08:00

I NEED SOME TIME OUT. GIVE ME MY SPACE.

Hyperventilating.

abcdong. I miss you like crazy. Maybe you need to know this.

Since you've started it, you need to end it off. Tactfully without scars. Timely without pain. If it only takes one word, one sentence, one action to heal & transform eveything to as if it was new, things will be so much easier. Yet, truth is, everything is irrevisible. History sticks to your skin like glue. It doesn't come off. It never will.
I hate the history on me. I hate the things that happened. And you are part of this history.
Thank you for making my history a painful one.

I can't. I don't know how.

2009-10-04T03:32:00.002+08:00

I don't need alot of things
I can get by with nothing
With all the blessings life can bring
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
when it comes to loving You
You're my only reason
You're my only truth

I need You like water, like breath, like rain
I need You like mercy from heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms that carries me through
I need You

You're the hope that moves me to courage again
You're the love that rescues me when the cold winds rage
And it's so amazing 'cause that just how You are
And I can't turn back now, You brought me too far

I need You like water, like breath, like rain
I need You like mercy from heaven's gate
There's a freedom in Your arms that carries me through
I need you
I need you (oh oh oh)
I need you (oh oh oh)oh-oh

2009-09-30T01:59:00.004+08:00

HAPPY LAST DAY OF THE MONTH.

I remember I used to write fancy little notes and letters to this classmate of mine on the first day of the month or the last day of the month. Or even on any random days.
I've been thinking about her lately, and I miss her.

I've been blogging alot lately, especially when Promos has already arrived !? Wtheck right. I can't sleep. And I can't study too.
Andd, my phone is dead. My sim card is faulty and Singtel is suppose to activate my new sim card within 3 hours. And 14 bloody hours have passed, it's still not done. Singtel 's so inefficient.

As much as I enjoyed my Birthday month, my september is screwed up. September felt so long, tiring, emotional, vexing. It's draining my soul. Wake me up when september ends - That's my thought, the moment I think of how my september sucks. haha.

On a personal note...
I can't bring myself to see certain people. Cos I don't wanna lie to them yet the truth coming directly from my mouth will smack them right in the face. But truth always hurts.

As much as my life isn't about me myself and I, I don't want my lifestyle or the way I am now hurt anyone, especially my close and loved ones. Ultimately, I know what I'm doing and I've to face the consequences later on. But the only thing that aches my heart most is when loved ones choose to grieve and tries to convince me that I should stop. Some give orders just to stop me. I can't take the guilt that is induced when I see them being so concerned. It aches so much cause the guilt continues to eat into my heart yet I feel so hopeless.

Thing is, what if... I can't get over my past, never can I. Or what if... I don't wanna get over it and I just wanna stay at where I am. Stagnant, forever. Cos I don't have the strength to go on, neither do I want to continue to walk this pricky path barefooted.

I don't want wallow in selfpity or to dwell in if onlys. Yea, if only I don't met him, if only I made the right decision. If onlys happen in an ideal facade that we have dyingly wished for which will never come true in reality.

Sometimes, the only way to stay sober is doing what I need to fill that constant void. Everyone needs love. And I lack the courage to love, to care. Cos love, it generates energy and pain which my heart doesn't have the capacity to uphold. Maybe being strong is me trying to be something I am not. And trying hard doesn't makes me a stronger person. It kills my hope to even live on life.

2009-09-27T01:35:00.004+08:00

3am. I’m fucking depressed. F1rocks ttm. But then something else happened. I’m pissed. ‘A’ broke my heart. And I wondered if it’s true when people say that Caucasians aren’t Asians’ cup of tea. We are just from different worlds. Maybe I’m just mesmerized by the blue eyes and sexy accent. Or totally attracted by his cheekbones and his bod.

I’ve no idea why I’m fretting about what happened when Promos is just the next day. I’m gonna flung it real bad. I think I’m gonna do even worse than Fred.
I think I’ll retain. Retaining in Pj is totally a bad idea. It’s as if staying in the hellhole for two dread long years aren’t enough, I still need another year. Fml.

Talking about F1, it was… just not as thrilling as I thought it would be. But I enjoyed the after party and concert. Totally awesome. And I got my VIP PASS, thanks to A. I’m freaking privilege pls. I got to see celebrities upclose, backstage. Blackeyed peas, beyonce. And NODOUBT, cool like shit.
Got away from the crowd at canning and had a talk, which was really sweet. But I’m fucking upset with him. Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen too deep from the start cause he’s just from Mars and I’m from Venus.

Fingers crossed. Don’t retain. Do well. Get over and done with.
And get my life back.

Mood : Cranky. Fucked up. Thrilled. Messed up. Jaded.

Totally insane.

2009-09-21T02:54:00.000+08:00

I made him cry. I made her cry. Fuck it, I'm sucha disappointment.

2009-09-20T01:21:00.002+08:00

I've no idea how to get through this vicious cycle. Yes, vicious. Tormenting & aching. It keeps coming back and each time my heart cringe, it feels as if I can just suffocate and die. I don't wanna hang by the cliff anymore, cause I haven't got any strength to stay on. I need to be at the top of the mountain to catch a breather.

Today, I hurt you. I did something bad. I did it for love & hate. I want to make your heart ache the way you pierced my heart. I want you to tremble and cringe when you realise how empty your heart is, the way I felt when you weren't there.

We don't need to do this. But you make me doubt you, your words, your heart. You make me wonder, who you really are and who truly matter deep down in your very heart. If only I could pry open your mind and find the answers myself, my life wouldn't be so miserable. And as much as you love, you hurt. Maybe because your definition of love is different from mine. I want to end this, only when you choose to disappear entirely.

2009-09-11T00:27:00.015+08:00

SKINS.

Ok, I know I shouldn't be posting this when I ought to bury myself in books. But, Skins is really addictive. I totally love the cast. And trust me, it's not exactly a flop. British actors are way hotter. Their accent minus the f wordss will totally blow your mind off. Ok, warning, loaded with photos.

Now, presenting to you... SKINSSSSSSS ! ! !

First off, Nicholas Hoult aka Tony in the show. The male lead in the show. His eyes are really attractive. And his cheek bones are totally gorgeous. Eh, according to Rach, he's bisexual in real life. But I reallyyyy love him ! Reminds me of josh hartnett though.

Second, MITCH HEWER (maxy)! Ok, he's my FAVOURITE. Cos he's blonde. Though, not natural, but he pull it off and look slick in it. Suits him not just well, but WOW. And he's just...ok, I'm speechless. He has this set of dimples when he smiles. Great bod. Great looks. Great attitude? Ok, fingers crossed. I hope I'll see him when I go UK this end of year. I'm praying really hard now.

Below is Mike Bailey (Sid). He's this goofy nerd, cute in his own way. He's usually not in the limelight. But he's a really good actor. I love his role! Strong yet sensitive.

Joseph Dempsie (Chris) up next. Oh man, he's really charismatic & cranky. Cute as well. Naughty bad boy kind. He's funny. Without him, Skins will be boring without humor. HAHA. Happy-go-lucky. And I cried cos...ok, go watch Skins. I don't wanna be a spoiler.

Dev Patel (Anwar). Ok, he's my least favourite. But still funny like Chris. In fact, funnier. He loves macho women in the show. Like those aggressive women, quite i think. He has this easy-going personality. Oh btw, he's horny & is easily turned on both cast & off scenes. HAHA.

Now, the girls. Lead Actress, April Pearson (Michelle). Cool personality. Sexy. But she doesn't really give me the wow factor.

Larissa Wilson (Jal). I think she's really smart. Those kind whom don't really need to study yet pull off with straight Ace. Pretty, and I love her personality. Just someone you would really like to have as close friend. Go to her if you need a hug. (:

Hannah Murray (Cassie). I love her name, cas ! She's lovely & really sweet. She's just a lil eccentric. Like Mich, no wow factor, but great smile.

"I like what I like, but I love everything."

Ok, Kaya Scodelario (Effy). She's the WOW factor I'm talking about. She's beautiful & gorgeous. Her features are really perfect, like flawless. And great body. It's an understatement just wanting to be her sister. I wouldn't even mind changing sex to be her boyfriend ! One word, hot. Prettier than angelina jolie right!

Ok, that's about it. It's 3am in the morning. And I've got sch next early morn. Wish me luck that I can wake up.

SKINS.

2009-09-04T22:11:00.005+08:00

Short & Fragmented.

I'm addicted to Skins (serial drama)
I heart Mitch Hewer.
I cried at the end of season one.
I'm finishing season two. Hopefully tonight.

Promos is round the corner. Three more weeks to be specific.
I need time. I need memory storage. I need sleep.
I've yet to start my revision.
I'm feeling jittery.
I need the adrenaline rush. I need the punch.
I need to stay sober. Screw getting drunk.
This should be my last post till promos.
Sleep. Run. Mug. Eat. That's the life. Cool shit.

To my special one, no cold shoulders.
tell me what's wrong.
right signs. wrong words.
snuggle. scent. soothe.
hulahoops with peace signs.
I miss you & your voice.
I love you.

2009-08-22T23:56:00.005+08:00

I sprained my ankle. It was an awful experience. It took me a full 5 mins to limp my way to the bathroom from bed. I stayed home the whole day to realise I've completed all my work.

I spent my afternoon, cooped at home and played the piano...
Hummed a tune, with my fingers scaling along the piano. It wasn't any song. It was a song; my song. There was no scores, no chords, just the touch of my fingers & a tune.
Within me, all was saturated. The soak of this relief and peace, overwhelmed my soul.
I longed for that moment of joy. And like a tune, it all stopped when the last note ended. It makes me wanna keep on playing, savouring at every tint of the feeling that flows within. In hope that the feeling would never leave. How beautiful it was. I don't meant how well I played, it was the music that lingered which totally consumed my whole self. Despite how immense that feeling was, nothing could stop it when silence forced its way through to set in. The tune left and I can't control it.

Memories, it's like a tune. And a tune's like a passion. The joy and peace grow as the tune goes on. But when all stop and the silence dwells in. Everything else fades. Trying to grasp hold of them, but they vanish to air. How beautiful yet melancholic.

Every moment of life has to go, it didn't matter whether it was good or bad. No one can ever stop time, or replay it just to relive that moment, that feeling, that joy.
I may fail to translate this moment or feeling to words, or should I say no words are able to express it.

Our dreams are young and we both know,

They will take us where we want to go

Hold me now,

Touch me now,

2009-08-17T00:14:00.004+08:00

I CAN'T BE LATE FOR SCHOOL ANYMORE.

Or else I'll be sent home like Adina. It's so scary pls. So, Adina, we gotta work something out. I need morning calls. Note the 's' behind the call.
And I need to rant a lil.

I hate WR. Screw it.
And I really need to save. I'm running short of money. I realised that I've got many stuffs to pay. Besides money running short, time too. It's really crazy in JC. And I have to announce that I finally need a hiatus from all these. Lectures, tutorials, tests, projectwork.

Everything feels like shit this week. Please, break, come now.

I need divine intervention too. Or else I can just break down and die. Ok, exaggeration here. But I think you can feel that frustration within.
Haha, ok. excuse me for my superficiality.
Josh hartnett. <3

Hot bod, Josh.

Ok, this is not josh. I just love the hair.

I promise you, I'll never do it again.

But right now, I need a shoulder to lean on now.

2009-08-14T01:10:00.004+08:00

I was in deep thoughts. And I decided to blog it out before it gets too consuming and heavy. It's 1am, so I'm going to keep it short.

I realised that some things never leave. It sticks to me like glue & tugs my heart every now and then. I shrug it off, but it seems that it keeps coming back to me, like a smack on my face or even a gentle kiss on a cheek. Deep down within, something craves. It craves for the truth, the reality of facades. It needs something real.

And guess what, it's my heart. The war of tugstrings playing on. My heart, it needs you.

"height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39

2009-08-11T00:53:00.016+08:00

BIRTHDAY WEEK !

Okay, my past week has been crazy. Every single day I had to rush home after school, bathed, dressed and head down to meet my matess. Late at night, I had to come home to finish my work. And rushed for sch the next morn. Darn, I was booked late thrice past week. Thank God for national day man. I slept for fifteen hours on Sunday. It was paradise I'm telling you. I never thought my bed would feel like heaven.

Four cakes in a row. Man, it was hell + heaven.
Friday, fiona & shan. (orchard, just ate till our pockets are burnt. HAHA)
Monday, brotherhood - amy, ny, kenneth, jk. (Delifrance, cakes & photos.)
Tuesday, josie, waikit, neth, sheryl, darren.o, gary, estherg, many more. (Josie's place, party, cocktails, food, threw into the pool. Hell, I got drunk.)
Thursday, james & anna. (Flyer, popeyes.)
Friday, yijun, shannon, adina, mervin, lester. (Marina barrage, popeyes. Cakes & shopping.)

I really thank you all for making my seventeenth birthday a fulfilled & blessed one. Every single one of you make it big for me.
Jaded, but it was really sweet of all you peeps.

Alright, photos. Josie & Anna, WHERE ARE MY PHOTOS UH?
Right now, these are all I've.

These are my darlings. Thanks bestiess. Love you two.

BROTHERHOOD, chenchen & kenneth missing from pic.

Ningyi, the christmas tree ! HAHA.

Amy, me.

jk, (: The sai kang warrior for cj! WHOO HOO.

MARINA BARRAGE. Hazy. But, thanks yijun for all the photos !

I LOVE THE JUMPSHOT ! (:

ALL THE TWEETXZXZXZ.

NATIONAL DAY ! YAY!

Thank you all. Though I already knew the surprise. It was still lovely!

A year older; a year more of love, joy, hope.

Dreams, I wanna hold on tight to them.

Our favourite things; that we shared and we cared.

2009-07-25T01:42:00.004+08:00

If I should say, I wondered why someone can so fucking care to watch this space when I'm like shit to her. Maybe, I'm entertainment to her. Oh, with that, I will say thank you very much. But guess what, the names she called, they ain't affecting me. FYI, she should start studying cause if she can't make it for uni, I will walk to her and spit in her face. So, maybe you should focus on what she should and not be too mindful of my space.

Oh, FYI, I forgot to mention that whatever she blogged last year was saved. And we are ready to use it against her in court. What more man, teachers in my previous school also read them and agreed to help us to get her down, even her form teacher. So, she should really watch her words. And if she thinks that it's just a threat, it's not. Cos, police report can be made. And we will definitely bring it up to authorities.

So hey, you jolly well watch your words, miss. This is not like the last time. I'll not let it off that easily. Watch it.

2009-07-22T22:32:00.007+08:00

WHO IS THAT, ROCKSTAR ?

I grant myself a day of rest. I know I still have work due, but I shall ignore it. No essays, no case studies, no formulaes.

Bathed and clean in my shorts and tee. A cup of hot chocolate, the scent lingered in my room. With a soothing music at the back of my ears, just me and my books & magazines, with a couple of videos. It's felt SO great.

Goodness, it's been so long I actually have such comforting time for myself. My simple indulgences.

I'm atracted to this picture. The thick hair, sunken eyes, thin lips and the jawlines. He's not exactly gorgeous, but he just look good and attractive. And I don't know who he is ! HAHA. He's a photo I stumbled upon browsing through the Net.

cold rock, another form of indulgences. love it to bitss.

Kay, I realise my thoughts ran wild today. Fickled and crazy. HAHA. Eh, that also explains why my post has no sequence in series. Well, good night.

I wanna post trug photos, but they ain't upload to fb yet.
And and andd, I know it sounds like a joke. But I don't really know how to use twitter. HAHAHA.

Back to basics, my books and bed.

2009-07-20T00:22:00.006+08:00

Oh man, I've got school tmr. I was supposed to be on LOA. But then, it changed. *Dreads*
My results are fairly alright. They are at extreme far lengths!

MATH - D

ECONS - U

LIT - C

GP - E

CSE - B

CL - B

Ok, let's start with the good ones. I was one of the higher scorers for Lit. And Chinese! 3RD in position in class. And CSE, man. TOTALLY PAWNED IT.

Well, math was alright. Not that bad, but could and should have been better. GP was disappointing. And note this, GP DOES NOT go hand in hand with LIT.

Econs is pathetic. I studied the most for this, and ended up failing miserably. I can vomit blood and die.

Ok, on a personal note...

Things have been pretty heavy and vigor, not just in studies but in other areas of my life. I shall be transparent here. I love-hate how things are. Along this path of heartbreaks, I realised many truths for myself. And it certainly changes my perceptive on a large scale. After all, it's our past that shape who we are today, ain't so?

My past, it really put me through alot. And now, as I settle in with what I'm left, it felt so hollow. Like after a huge fire in a forest, everything else would be burnt and you would see a clear vast land with debris. All my hopes and dreams, they were reduced for the second best. Sounds a lil sad, but you would know how it feels to have your hopes pinned so high up and it collapsed. That heartache, totally terrible.

Yet, I'm certain that God will use what I've left and multiply it. But, I'm not sure for myself. I'm not sure if I'm willing devote everything to Him. And I have no idea what is still holding me back. Well, I sound really confuse uh. I am, in fact.

If you are wondering how to relate to what I'm saying, it simply means, my soul desires, but my being is unwilling. I really miss the times when God was so close. And I long for this initimacy.

Recently, there are so many heavy thoughts which make me come to a point where I realised, it's time I make a decision. I can't stay at the junction for too long.

And I did, I wanna return to my very heart of worship. I want to, but something don't seem willing to.

That's just a slice of my many many thoughts. HAHA.

Alright, below is ripped from Rachel's blog.

To all my dear sci - atheists out there, it's my love note to you :

Science has been used to contradict the faith of Christians for many years now. Now you'd be saying "Oh but didn't God create science? How can his creation contradict him?"

I disagree, God didn't create science. He created the world.
Science is the method of how humans comprehend God's created world. And it's very myopic.

Get this right. Science will never support your faith. Never. Science is indeed the antithesis of faith.
But guess what? God didn't say, research and prove that I exist. or logically deduce that I exist. No we were simply told to have faith.

Honest to blog, you never know whether the science we believe in is right. Everyday new hypotheses are being formed.

You see, what if the big bang theory wasn't the opposite of creation, but the method how God created the universe?Or what if the mystic state of our mind, is indeed spirituality? It's the inbuilt part of our brain that God put there to help us experience the spirituality. Maybe somewhere in our brain is where our soul rests.

You never know.

2009-07-05T02:46:00.004+08:00

to someone:

Please, be less havoc. Be less playful.

I still love you for who you are. But don't, don't ever tell me there's a second time.

I know what you need, and I know it isn't me.

Be thankful, cos I can't be there for you all the time.

For one moment, I realised you never stop loving anyone else but God and yourself.

Don't, and move on. Take heart and move on. I still love you, but do you?

2009-07-01T00:49:00.009+08:00

the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy.
- Leo Bascaglia (Rachel's blog)

Love, it's intense. It generates so much emotions and makes us feel as if it is oxygen to sustain our very being. Love, it makes us feel that we can overcome all barriers and move against anything that gets in our way. And love, it makes us feel special. It feels good to know that we actually mean a whole life to someone. It's more than just the feeling of holding hands or the soft kisses on the cheek. But, it's believing that no matter what we're going through, no matter how we are feeling, that special someone will always be there to brighten our day, to know how to make us smile in our own special way.

Yet, love, it generates pain too. It hurts when we can only watch blissful smiles over the faces of others who have a shoulder over them. As a matter of fact, loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts, envy hurts. It pains to lose someone so close to our hearts as if our hearts are smashed into pieces by the special one. It is so frustrating that any little thing will give us the reason to blow up. Sometimes we wish it didn't hurt so much. But it hurts because we feel it, because we are alive. It generates so much power and energy, same kind of energy that binds atoms together. And it is the excruciating pain induced from love that we wish our hearts will stop beating. We wish we were dead.

Pain, it's not the opposite of love. It's apathy. It's the numbness in our hearts when we fail to love. When we aren't able to feel for anything and anyone. It makes us cold and detach. It makes us lonely. Apathy, and we think we don't need love. Though it prevents us from going through the aftermath, pain, it robs us of the joy we deserve. It constantly decieves us of the things around us. It betrays our innate feelings towards our loved ones. Apathy, it stole away the very thing that keep us alive.

Love, so pain that it makes us wanna die. Apathy, it's when our hearts are completely dead and we don't realise it. At least with pain, we know we are still breathing and intact; alive.

2009-06-26T21:39:00.008+08:00

Life is not about how many breaths you take, but about how many moments in life that take your breath away.

-Beyonce

These are words by Beyonce upon hearing the death of Michael Jackson.
I'm not a great fan of Michael Jackson.

But, I have a personal touch to that statement.
A life of satisfaction, filled with breakthroughs, with adventures, with joy, with love.
I wouldn't exchange this for a longer life of mundane routines and obliged responsibilities.
Every moment, I wanna make it extraordinary and phenomenal the way Mj created a new revolution in the music industry. He definitely made it big.

Goodbye, Mj.

2009-06-25T04:04:00.006+08:00

THERAPY.

I've this sudden resolution - To change my writing style.
Yes, I know when the mention of resolution, you would be thinking of something grand and transforming. Nay, nothing of that sort actually.
I just wanna change my writing style; from the high-low roller coaster mood rides my readers get, to the nonchalant and simple way.
Well, this is almost impossible, with my emotional and impulsive nature. Well, it's just a thought. But, I'll give it a try.

I've been studying, honestly. And I realised books are my new therapy. When I say books, it would mean econ notes and literature novels. And I stayed home all these days, no videos and hangouts. Just study, eat and sleep.
No exaggeration man. I thought I wouldn't pull through all these mundane studying. But thank God, it wasn't torturing and dreadful at all.
Ok, I sound like a nerd who mugs and loves nothing but books. haha.

After exams would be shopping therapy. I've been eyeing on something for reaally long. Ok, but before I even shop, I have to clear my debts accumulated. Rach, Adina, Belly, Ky and Ican't rmb.
Oh shit, I feel my future will be indebted to the bank for my credit card loans. Or worst, I will be chased by loan sharks lane after lane.
Well, reminds me of the movie "Catch me if you can" by Leonardo DiCaprio. Sounds like a load of fun , playing hide and seek with loan sharks! WHOOHOO.
Ok, please know that this is sarcasm.

Alright, I'm getting a lil cranky here. It's 5am now, pardon me. And I'm afraid, cause I think I heard someone knocking at my door.

2009-06-16T22:56:00.006+08:00

JITTERS.

Midyears are around the corner, and I'm left with a week & more to study.
I managed to complete math and starting on econs. But it dawned upon me how I've too much to study and too lil' time. *screams* SAVE ME SOMEBODY !

Now till midyears :
1) No more staying up late till 3, 4 ams.
2) No more video marathons & facebooking.
3) No more hanging outs.
4) No more distractions !

Okay, from now on, I've absolutely no life and gonna mug my ass off. Bless me.

I'm a ROCKER ! WHOAYEA!

But I realise my fingers can't really bend in a cool way.

I need my sort of escapism or drug. But trust me, I learnt my lesson. It's definitely not relationships.
I've realised. I've learnt. It's time to say goodbye to this drug.
It's a vow made for my sake...

Cause I realised I ain't that strong to overcome the hurt and pain which came along with love.

Ain't that strong...

2009-06-13T16:12:00.014+08:00

Ok, two weeks of my holidays have passed and I haven't hit the books yet. I should die at this instant. I've been playing too hard ! GAWD, where's my studious being? I think that soul fly off to fiona's house (cause she's mugging like a pig)

Fiona: Hello!
Lora: She's a retard ! TUA NEH BU
Fiona: Oh shut up.. You're like super envious.
Lora: Duh, it's a bloody____ Cup (laughs hysterically)
Fiona: Sorry people, give that bitch a minute or two to chill

Ok, enough of Fiona and her big boobs (points middle finger)

Vaunt: It's amazingly crowded. And I'm damn happy when I'm in the guest list (thanks adina and her friend !). Cause the queue is seriously long. And when I was out of st james, I still see a long stretch of people queuing. And guess what, I saw zhengwen that bastard ! He's queuing all the way at the back. I should have given him that *oops not in the guest list* kinda face. But I reckon I shall save my breath on bastards like him.

Pictures, thanks lovelle for camera and adina's photography with the guidance of rachel !

The lightings, the glitz.

The Models. The Girl is so pretty, i love her makeup.

derek, me, rachel

Got a quick catch up with my darling. Fiona, I'm always here for you aight.

I shall name this the FART FACE!

For the next two weeks, I gotta mug. Spare me time people.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And yes esther (lee) , as promised the quiz.

Besides your lips, where is your favourite spot to get kissed?

Forehead, neck maybe? hahaha

How do you feel when you wake up this morning?

Flustered. I'm late for class !

Who was the last person you took a photo with?

Fiona Seah Siew Lan, my bestie.

Would you consider yourself to be spoilt?

Eh, my close friends all say i am. So...

Would you ever donate blood?

If you really need it. But warning, I shriek at the sight of needles.

Have you had a bestfriend who was the opposite sex?

Yes, I had and I have. Afew.

Do you want someone dead?

ESTHER !? What kind of qns this is !?

What does your last message says?

Yup - Fiona.

What are you thinking about right now?

I'm thinking if I should still go botanic garden.

Do you wish someone to be with you right now?

Eh, I'm with someone now, she called tua neh bu (fiona)

Fiona: Walao.. Envious to the max. (smirks)

What is the time you go to bed last night?

3 in the morning.

Where did you buy the T-shirt you're wearing now?

I'm wearing a dress from chinatown.

Is someone on your mind?

Yeap.

Who was the last person who texted you?`

Fiona Seah Siew Lan

Tag 10 people to do this survey.

1. Esther Lee

2. Rachel Chong

3. Shannon

4. Shanice

5. Yijun

6. Josie

7. Waikit

8. Fiona Seah

9. Joehann Dan

10. Micbay

Who is no. 2 having relationship with?

Em, rachel. Are you with heath ledger?

If no. 7 & 10 get together, is it a good thing?

Eh, I don't think so. They don't know each other.

What is no. 1 studying about?

She's in PEEJAYCEE. Studying liteconsand i don't know what. haha, sorry esther.

When was the last time you chat with them?

Not too long ago.

Is no. 4 single?

HELL NO ! She dumped me and no.8 to look for someone who had heat stroke!

Say something about no. 3

She has nice wavy hair and loves green indian tea.

What do you think of no. 3 &no 5 being together?

OH ROCK ON ! They shall get married together and bring their babiesss to clubbing ! WHOO. way to go yijun !

Describe no. 9

Eh, he's good looking, seriously.

What would you do if no. 6 and no. 7 fight?

They always fight ! And it's showtime baby !

Do you like no. 8?

HELL YEAH. LOVE HER AND HER BOOBS MAN. Thanks bestie, you are my dearest.

2009-06-04T13:10:00.005+08:00

Ok, this morning was soooo...flustered. Phone calls and smses came in non stop. No one knew that lit lecture wasn't compulsary. And i was still in bed. Goodness, timetable is totally a mess.
This week's crazy. I need my sleep badly. I can't stand to see pimples sprouting and wrinkles forming.

Talking about friday ! Man, it was a pleasant dinner. I simply enjoy myself very much.
Once again kenneth, happy birthday ! YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THE BDAY CARD K.
I actually did it in the middle of the night till 4am in the morning ! And i had a paper early next morning. So, I expect something nice on my bday. *hint hint* haha.

On a sweet note, thanks kenneth, chenchen and ningyi and jingkuang (?). Though it was just a really short meetup, it was pleasant. haha. ok, I love the word pleasant. And I really really really love you guys. I'm serious. I hope we can meet up more. brotherhood is my life ! (ok, that's abit overrated. haha) But really, nothing beats having a bunch of childhood mates around. 8-9 years of friendship, can you imagine? And we are going to watch each other get married and die k !

PEEKTURES ! !

lot one pizzahut's service sucks. ok, look at the portion. I nearly died eating that.

Jingkuang and kenneth. Love double choc!

Favourite picture! All smiley. Lovely.

I shall make this June holiday fulfilling. I shall finish JC in one piece with no regrets. Make this work Lora.

to someone special

2009-05-29T20:50:00.002+08:00

to someone special, I know you are still there. But just not by my side. Where are you? I miss you dearly. Though we have long ago decided that we should go separate ways, but we know it seems impossible. It's almost half a year, and I've gotten over the fact. I really did. We've moved on with life as usual; smses, long msn convos, late phone calls, rants & everything. It's just that we rarely meet, due to my tight schedule and your never ending outings. But where were you for the past one month? It just dawned upon me how you are still a huge part in my life. It feels weird when you aren't online, it feels empty when my phone isn't ringing. It bothers and disturbs me that you aren't here anymore. Please don't disappear like this, you never do such things. But why the sudden change? I miss you darling. And I wanna hear from you soon.

MASK.

2009-05-26T00:20:00.006+08:00

Downcast. Gloomy.
How to say this?
It's not like anything major happened, or something grieving occurred.
It's just apathy. Ah, it sounds familiar. It felt even more familiar.

Everyday, it's like attending a masquerade party.
Where people wear masks. Glittery and pretty. It all look nice.
But what lies beneath those masks, it's just so much of truth; ugly truth probably.
And most of the times, I realise how I'm part of the party, wearing a mask.
A mask, I thought can attract people. A mask which has so much vanity in it where people admire, respect and bow for you.
People, aren't those who wore masks too?
It's a crazy party where people cheat people. We are all in this party.

I wanna be as truthful as possible. I want to take down this mask and flung it away.
Imagine being an old lady with a walking stick and look back to only realise my life has always been a facade. It has only been one that look so pretty and fulfilling, but it's just an empty shell.
It's scary.

I want to say that I need God badly. I want to say that life has not been any better without God. And how painfully I want to be in God's presence once again. All the responsibilities and expectations that I shun, were just a shield to guard against people's disappointments in me. I don't want people to disappoint. That guilt trip it will put me on. It's a never ending and torturing trip.
And I'm not as strong. I can't handle my emotions and thoughts.

Some die hard feelings just don't go. Some wounds just don't heal. I felt that I never actually moved on. Trapped.
If only the world can be black and white. No grey areas, no overlapping. There wouldn't be any confusion.
Why does it feels like this everytime?

Like I wrote in my diary, "I love you, but why are you always so disappointing?"
And I hear God saying this to me.

2009-05-23T21:23:00.009+08:00

Kris allen won the title of american idol 2009 ! I'm glad, reallyy glad. Though he may not be as charismatic as Adam, but he earned my respect and admiration with his humlilty and sincerity !

Adam can defnitely sing well. His performances are always a bomb.
He's GAY ! And he was found kissing another guy. That's well, gross.

But one thing I can't deny, he's charming and hot. male who charmed girls...AND guys (gays). good job, adam lambert !

He sure looks good.

Ok, holidays are coming. Yet, I fear that I would sink in so much to my holiday mode that I totally forget about studying and revising. Please no, I wanna do well. Hoping for a productive and fulfilling june holiday !

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh oh ohhhh, before I forget, thank you joehann dan ng ! I received your parcel this morning when I woke up ! It's lovely k. Though the box is in pink, the grey knitted sweatshirt, red mufflers and the brown gloves, they are beautiful. (why these colors?)
I think I would rarely have a chance to wear it, but then again thanks ! Did you knit the sweatshirt ? ! Cause there are no labels to it.
And andd the photo in the letter is funny ! haha. aww, I really miss you ! when you coming back !? thanks so much buddy. (:

to somebody special, I miss you if you ever realise.

2009-05-21T22:28:00.003+08:00

I miss my mom badly. badly. terribly. horribly. desperately.

She's away for a holiday and ever since saturday, my life has been miserable.

I have to wash my own clothes for the first time.

I have to keep my own clothes.

I have to cook for myself. It's all canned food. It's more like microwaving my food instead of cooking them.

I have to wash the dishes !

I have to sleep with the lights on. Cause usually my mom would switch it off for me.

I want her back now. 2 more days. Just 2 more.

ANDDD, I need my JUNE HOLIDAYS STRAIGHT AWAY.

Droopy eyebags, pale complexion and saggy boobs (haha, kidding. that's shanice, not me!).

It's dreadful and draining. Sch, work piles up and i'm getting the hang of JC life.

Well, shit (food) for thought. Analogy of diarrhoea : The process is bad, but the end result feels BURNING good.

It's funny when I heard it. Especially with the emphasis of BURNING. YEA MAN. hahahhaha.

It's applicable in life. Really.

canned food for the past few days. I miss my mom's cooking !

2009-05-17T21:01:00.005+08:00

I went for the last rugby match on tues. pj played a tough yet good fight against jj. oh man, jj ruggers cried and sang their sch song ! Well, that's not the point, i got to see SHANICE! I really miss her very very very much. (ok, she forces me to say this ! hahaha. )
No la, i really do.

>Sat night, no tow huay. josie and waikit were at the same old mexican pub. I didn't wanna be in the crowd, so we met up at padang. They brought some drinks and snacks. It was like picnic at night! haha. Well, we lay on the grass patch and poured our hearts out. We talked, sniggered, laugh, cried. It was everything ; school, friends, boys, life, god.

And josie really made my night extra happy. It was extra loving too ! of cos, with waikit's never ending nonsense and spastic jokes, it's annoying yet lovely. Yes, lovingly lovely.

josie : Who cares how a rich girl who can get anything by the flick of her fingers. Who cares if she gets a long queue of guys all the way from woodlands to changi. Who cares even if paris hilton is a blonde and is stupid yet gets on life with all the glamour and glits. Who cares? ! All that matters to me is you being happy with all that you have, even with one bf, or little money.

True josie, I just wanna be happy.

Cause it's been too many days

2009-05-11T04:02:00.011+08:00

It's may. I used to love the month of may alot.
The idea of flowers blooming and where the sun tainted the field of grass.
And whipped cream splashed all over pretty sundresses.
Having cakes and tea under a huge tree.
Lying on each other backs, laughing and embracing the very moment.
Hoping that the moment would freeze for the joy that we had.
It would be better if I've a picture to show it.

I always believe that the love of God is radical, powerful and so overwhelming. It still is. Until then, it all changed. Everything that used to be swirling and hurling settled down in a jar. It lay there quietly. I thought it was God. It was His change of heart. I was here all along. But I was wrong. It wasn't God, it was me.

What was it that change this heart? This heart that used to yearn for the undying love of God. Where did it go? Is christianityso simple that it's just about loving God and others? Because it always felt like a constant struggle to stay in God's light. A mugging and silent struggle to give things up in life. Or was it merely the state of mind?

"In everything, there's always both sides. The good and the bad. The problem here doesn't lies with which you believe in. But rather, which you choose to amplify and diminsh. It's all in the state of the mind. No one can make it work out unless you think it out yourself. It's all within your ability." Words like these made the whole bus ride home so taxing and heavy. But probably that's all I need to hear.

It's been a long time ever since the past gradually fade and wounds heal in small doses. And I realise it's now time to do something with what I have. No more running away, no more hiding in corners. No more of these.

Cause it's been too many days

Since I first held you

But to me it feels just like

It feels like a lifetime

I'm trying hard to re-arrange

Some say it's the hardest thing to do

But that's just too many days

without you.

2009-05-06T22:03:00.003+08:00

ok, I'm done with ProjectWork's PI final draft! ! YEAHH ! I'm happy.

These few days have been ok. Never felt so ok before? haha. (that doesn't sounds right uh)
Well, pretty happy days I should say.

But I've got lotsa stuffs to do.
I gotta clear my table. Pack my notes.
Complete my homeworkss; essays; tutorials.
Revise econs. Starting from demand & supply.
Read the whole Part one of my lit book.
Rewatch the play, Taming of the Shrew.
Watch Wide Sargasso Sea, (heard it's like porn. hahah)

And I'm very very extremely motivated to mug and study. Don't ask how it happen, i don't know. haha
I'm going to TRY to be a good student, and not skip school unneccessary. God, help me.

And I miss shannon, lester (?) and yijun.
I'm sorry shannon that we had to postpone it. =(
I miss fiona & shanice.

And I miss deans even moreee. josie, esthergoh, waikit!
And i kinda miss seb?

Basically, I miss many people. And I know ALLL OF THEM LOVE ME AND MISS ME AS MUCH. (:

right now, happy and nostaglic.

quote for you,

if you want to go fast, go alone.

if you want to go far, go as a team.